Hello, and welcome to the 2017 Liverpool Improvathon liveblog.
I’m your host, Doctor Captain Lee Isserow, writer of words and way too many books, and I shall be rambling at you for the next 33.5 hours.
All opinions are my own, and I apologize for them in advance.
So come with me, if you will, on an epic voyage beyond the stars…
You can keep up to date with the latest photos of the happenings at @improvathon2017
Kat Mandu – Ship’s janitor.
Uka Laylee – Um… might want revenge for something?
Wanda Why – On vacation. Looking for a man.
Helmsman Mayonnaise – Pilot of the Butler’s Revenge. Which is a ship. Probably.
Pi – His father was human, and mother was a sexbot. Public Relations specialist.
Vic Victor – Another robot. Made of metals.
O’Mallie – Ship’s engineer.
Pamela – Quality and Diversity officer. Also, a giant big.
Devada Pevada – International crime fighter. And fighter of crime. Internationally. In space.
The Space Pirate – A pirate. In space.
Rhea Ranged – I literally have no idea…
Colonel Plot Driver – Health and safety officer.
13 – Died. Replaced by 14.
Montgomery Welsh – Transportation engineer. Welsh.
Agatha Bear– Speaker of languages.
Doctor What – Doctor. Lizard hands. What more do you need to know?
Findus Rassian– ‘Archeologist’.
Harry Deaker (Deefer?) – Half man, half dog.
Ted Talks – Ship’s Counselor, I think?
Howard Storey – From space-Leeds, probably.
First Officer Queef – Slugulon, from the planet Slugulon.
Captain Gene Lucy Flicard – Captain. Yup
Borg – Bounty hunter. Friendly.
Tim Foil – Android.
Johnny Techno – Heard all the cool kids live on the space station.
Philippa Fish – Erotic novelist. Half fish.
Guy LeSpace – Adventurer. OF SPACE.
Suki Patuki – Campaign manager… I think?
Gardener Treerow – Gardener. Half-plant.
Barbara – Server of food at SpaceMcDonalds
The Captain briefs the crew.
Biscuits need to be buttered. Also, the engines are failing, and the oxygen is running out.
But it’s all fine, and nothing to worry about.
They’re going to go to Garibaldi-4 for biscuits.
The Space Pirate and Mayonnaise are interrogated by Harry Deaker for having secret compartments in their ship.
Space Pirate got his job because of his lazy guidance counselor. He is glad he’s not called Poopy Eater.
Findus Rassian and Agatha talk in the library about a thing.
He got the idea to grow a beard from a woman who had face tentacles.
There are hollow books and hidden diamonds.
Kat Mandu is cleaning Wanda Why‘s cabin.
She does not seem to speak.
Oh, I think Kat is a cat. Slow off the mark this morning…
In the Davada, Uka and Rhea are in the bar.
Uka is glad to be rid of her ex-husband. He liked buttered biscuits too much.
Howard Storey is the bartender. He tells a story about going for a pint of milk and being chased by a llama.
(Unrelated: let’s all agree that llama has one too many l’s.)
Rhea sings her origin story as a ‘supermodel of the galaxy’. Also, she spent all her money.
In engineering, O’Mallie and Montgomery look at the map of the ship.
The ship itself is mostly held together by gaffer tape and cable ties.
There are a lot of rooms.
They decide that air ducts should be taller, so they can stand in them instead of having to crawl.
13 and the Health and Safety Officer go look for health and safety.
They count dangers. Seven dangers. Stairs are three of them.
Flicard and Queef have a secret mission for Devada.
She’s going to find oxygen. And is given a phrase to prove who she is on her return.
“I am not a quantarian nanite, I am a super-fluter, I have seen the seven moons of debanachtoowahlnah, and have come back swinging baby.”
If she does not remember that, she will be vaporised. This will end well.
Vic Victor is in the lab with Pi. Doing robot dos.
Vic laughs maniacally all night long.
“Everything is falling”
Perhaps the space station is falling to the bottom of the universe.
And, if it isn’t… perhaps they can make it fall…
The Space Pirate is in the bar, teaching the locals the song of his people.
It’s about drinking in space.
And, uh, Uka is ex-wife?
Howard is planning an intergalactic multi-arts club night thing.
He wants a sarcophagus so he can project his face onto it.
Helmsman recruits the engineers to help with his ship’s problems.
The steering wheel has come off. And then they sing a 92 minute long Eurovision song.
Kat and Deaker are in a place, and I was totally paying attention…
Health and Safety Man is there. He thinks one pirate on the ship is one pirate too many.
Security is lax on the ship, and the solution offered is a preemptive strike, to imprison everyone.
Vic and Pi continue their question to be human by talking to 13.
Arousal is like your insides come out of your vagina.
Which is how 13 dies.
Wanda and Agatha are having a spa day.
They have to be careful about their feelings, because as established in the previous scene, feelings make you shit out your insides.
A song about confidence, and bottoms is sung.
And you missed it.
Best get yourself down to the Invisible Wind Factory for…
Flicard is preparing for the away mission to Garibaldi-4. For biscuits.
Given that 13 died, she has been replaced by 14, who is celiac, and is not good at biscuits
Jaffa cakes are not biscuits.
Gluten has set up its own ecosystem inside 14.
And with a triumphant song of triumph, they pledge to get biscuits.
Meanwhile: Plot Driver is in jail for some reason.
And he has a dance off with Kat, in an attempt to break free.
She done freed him.
Howard is casting his new show.
It’s going to have music. And drugs.
I did some branding for it:
Findus and Agatha talk about talking about talking, and then Borg appears to discuss bounty hunting. Borg seems to want to do a murder.
Queef checks in with Pamela, to make sure his hunt for a shapeshifter isn’t going to be seen as discrimination.
Wanda asks Ted why everyone on the space station is so sad.
Turns out, he has to listen to other people’s problems, but he has problems of his own…
He tries to convince her that because she was happy before – and is happy now – she hasn’t gone on an emotional journey… and she decides that she will stop enjoying her life, and accept that she has problems too.
Vic is observing the interactions between Tim and Pi.
They are looking forward to the shapeshifter being discovered so they can observe hooman terror.
Uka runs into The Pirateman in the vaping chamber.
And then they move to the bacon room.
And then sing about how perfect they are for one another.
Howard still wants to recruit people for his show.
Specifically Kat and Plot Driver, because of their dance off.
He has an bicycle.
Helmsman goes to the black market to trade his ‘fireworks’ for something better.
He’s never looked in a mirror, but he does have windows – without them, the outside would come in.
And then his ship gets stolen.
Wanda talks to Tim about emotions. Because everyones is sad.
Tim thinks hoomans are inefficient because of their emotions.
But he would like to be happy.
And he would he happy to help Wanda find a friend.
Pi sings spacekaraoke. About emotions.
But it was all lies, because he does not have emotions.
Uka and Spacepirate have a romantic getaway, getting away romantically.
He wants her to accept that sometimes he has to do bad things…
Flicard goes to her quarters, to discover her sister, Rhea Ranged waiting for her.
They’re sisters. Did you know they were sisters? I didn’t know they were sisters.
They show one another their skills. And decide to work together….
Vic and Tim are in the lab looking at the samples brought back from Garibaldi-4
They ask the samples about emotions. On Garibaldi-4, biscuits are emotions.
Vic is bored of samples. This week it’s biscuits, last week it was doors. All boring.
Then a gas comes to life. And is the personification of all the love that is thrown away.
And every lost dream. And every hope. And so it has to die.
But it won’t die… and the gas fills Vic with emotions.
He refuses to give in to love. Especially biscuit-based love.
Health and safety time.
With lots of visual gags.
Ending with the decision to have a health and safety audit of the entire station.
And a song. About slips, trips and falls.
Ted and Pamela talk about Pamela’s impending slugbabies with Queef.
And then sing. A song.
Findus and Pi discuss a conversation as they talk. About hypotheticals.
Howard’s club night happened. There were slips, trips and falls.
Borg and Agatha make a plan to do away with Findus.
But Findus has double-crossed them, and sent a security team after her…
Queef needs a blood sample from Helmsman.
He needs blood samples from everyone. It’s the law. See:
Wanda and Doctor What talk about talking about what they’re talking about.
Wanda gave up a baby years previous who only has three scaly fingers.
And What only has three scaly fingers…
So, Wanda Why is Doctor What’s mother, it seems.
Kat wants someone to let her out the ship’s back door.
And then gets sucked out into space…
Vic reports to the Captain and Queef about his findings.
They have discovered a big fart of love.
And it is going to release a love attack on the whole ship!
SpacePirate and Uka meet to discuss their relationship – or more specifically, how many people the other slept with whilst they were not together.
Meanwhile, the engineers are engineering around them.
And it turns out the Uka slept with one of the engineers… and Spacepirate can’t trust her every again… So he’s going to blow up the ship!
Ted mediates the fractured friendship between the two engineers.
Pamela and Queef are decorating the nursery for their newborn spawn.
But Queef is concerned about the shapeshifter… And insists that Pamela slays the shapeshifter, if their children are to be safe…
Wanda and What go to Howard to work out where to go on a mother and daughter day out.
It turns out that Doctor What is the reason Wanda doesn’t have an anus any longer.
Pi and Tim are sent into space to rescue Kat.
She does not like the attention… so they ignore her until she comes to them.
Findus calls on the captain – and her has some sensitive information about… and wants monies in order to keep them secret…
Deefer and his adorable puppy brother haver caught Agatha, and Borg is there for some reason.
And as Deefer’s about to arrest him… Borg stabs the puppy.
But he doesn’t die… so… they kidnap him…. until they decide to all be friends… I think?
The health and safety executive committee judge Plot Device of his crimes.
But he believes he has done no crimes. And wants to go undercover to do a risk assessment.
The Space Pirate takes Uka back to his ship to discuss his plans to destroy the
universe space station.
He needs her to steal the bombs from Helmsman.
Helmsman goes to Vic. He admits he’s the shapeshifter, and needs Vic’s help to become not a shapeshifter.
But… then the cloud of Love comes along… And Helmsman gains the ability to take on the form of a gaseous form of forms.
The captain assembles the crew to alert them to the risk prosed to their safety.
But the head of security is nowhere to be seen… So she recruits a new one…
Ted volunteers. As does Pi. As does Plot.
But because they all volunteer, she decides that Pamela is the perfect head of security.
Because. Of reasons I did not hear.
Agatha and the dogman and his brother puppy end up running into Findus in the docking station, or something.
And Findus leaves, with the diamond he stole, in SpacePirate’s ship…
And then he dones get blown up by the captain.
Wanda and What go to Newnewnewcastle.
And reconnect. Amongst all the accents, that are totally believable.
They go dig a hole.
Borg is loitering around the airlocks, when he runs into Kat.
They kinda roll over one another for a bit.
I don’t really have the words to explain it.
Spacepirate discovers that his ship has done been stolened by Findus, and is sad.
Jonny Techno arrives on the station and meets Howard.
They decide to go to a bar.
Rhea does an class to make everyone super, because she is the…
It goes super. Everyone is super now.
Borg and Kat have found catnip – but Uka has a proposition…
She needs a ship, and needs to get the hell off the station, to get revenge for the death of her family… and entire species.
Space Pirate goes to the Engineers to ask them to build him a replacement ship.
They come to an accord, accordingly.
Helmsman seeks out Pamela’s aid in finding a ginger support group.
They play Jenga.
Queef goes for a prenatal exam with Doctor What and Wanda.
Wanda tells stories.
She realised a belt was just a string of nipples.
Luther Vandross borrowed her crockpot, and never brought it back.
Then Queef begins to give birth, Pamela arrives just in time!
Plot Driver investigates investigations in Vic’s lab in search of love.
But Vic is in love with love…
SpacePirate goes to the Space Coffee Shop while he waits for his new ship.
We discover he has a wooden penis.
And then Borg appears… And drinks slug milk with him…
And hypnotises him, I think? So he forgets Uka, probably.
Howard takes Johnny to the space bar… And it’s full of androids… and they might be uprising…
Uka and Borg prepare to leave the station, just as Space Pirate goes to check out his new ship… and of course, Space Pirate does not recognise her any longer…
She says one last goodbye, to a man she used to love, who does not remember their love – just as Borg bids adieu to his new love of Kat, as they blast off to leave the station on a mission of revenge…
And it was real sad. Cries all around.
Back in the space bar, the androids are still holding Howard and Johnny captive…
The androids want to torture them. They do not want to be tortured.
Looks like they’re going to be tortured anyways.
Pamela and Queef bring their eggs home.
Queef is in loves. Pamela feels awful because s/he lied about killing Helmsman the shapeshifter…
Philippa Fish has set up an erotic women’s book club. That is to say, a club for women regarding erotic books, rather than a book club intended for erotic women. Not that there’s anything wrong with the latter, but this is not what that is.
Areolas the size of small boys. Nipples the size of full grown men. ’nuff said.
Helmsman goes back to Vic to freeze his shapes from shiftings. Not in his current form, because people want his current form dead.
Due to a misspeaking, he wants to be frozen in the form of an ambulance, like Ratchet the transformer.
Unfortunately, he it turned into an actual ratchet.
Kat seeks counsel with Ted Talks regarding the leaving of her friend Borg.
The engineers are engaging in ladly banter when they meet Agatha.
She is now a lad too.
Wanda and What do things with Philippa when they meet Pirateman.
The mother and daughter goes to beds, whilst Philippa twists Pirateman’s knobs.
Of his spaceship.
But then he askes her to go for an drink, so maybe she’ll twists his knobs for reals soon enough…
Plot Driver goes back to the Health and Safety Committee.
He resigns. Papercut! Oh noes!
The Captain sits down with Rhea to find out exactly what she knows about her secrets… and who she’s told.
Rhea drunkenly babbled about the captain’s swashbuckling and sqwashbuckling space pirating times before she was captain’d… but can’t remember who she told it to.
It might well have been the shapeshifter… and the shapeshifter could be anything…
There’s no way to know…
Meanwhile, Ted goes to the bar to try and mediate with the Androids to free the hostages… Plot Driver is there too, and none of them are good at negotiations.
Pi sees a lot of himself in Plot Driver. And sings about love. And might have had a stroke…
Over on the space boating lake, Philippa and SpacePirate are on a date.
It goes real wells.
MeanMeanwhiles: Pamela and Queef are adjusting to parenthood.
Pamela sort-of admits to not killing Helmsman. With hypothetics.
Queef ecplains that if he is still alive, their children might die.
And then one of their children dies.
And another and another.
All their childrens is dyings! And are stuck to Pamela’s hand!
And now their relationship is in doubt… And Queef is kicking Pamela out!
Does oh noes!! And double ‘sclamation marks at the double oh noes!!
The androids are fixed… and decide they need to do something drastic.
They are goings to blow up an planet.
The captain has a message to the crew.
She’s selling off parts of the space station, privatizing it bit by bit…
And the crew decide to hold a snap election.
Vic tries to fix Helmsman to not be a tool. He does so by turnings him unto an robot.
That is like an human, but without emotions.
Turing him, if you will.
Oh, forgot there was meant to be a blog. I got distracted being entertaining.
We just visited the angry gardens with Plot Device.
Queef interviews peoples for a nanny position.
And then Helmsman and Vic try to recruit Johnny.
They are the space conservatives party. Scooping baby brains, putting them in robbuts, eating the rest. Just like the real conservatives.
Philippa and Pirateman go to the Pirate Planet. It looks like this:
I think Philippa just got kidnapped by other pirates?
MeanMeanwhile, time for political debates!
The Captain vs Helmsbot face off, and are both awful.
MeanMeanMeanwhileWhile, Pi and Tim go to the planet that has a name to go and check it out before they blows it ups.
And then another scene.
And then Rhea performs a one woman show.
And then the angry plants ended up in the library, and a song was sungs, about getting Ploy Devices’s pants.
Because it is almost 3am, and shut up.
These days, I’m usually in bed by midnight, because my ancient, decrepit writerbrain can only work for 3-5 hours before it collapses in on itself. So I hope you appreciate that my sleep cycle is going to be buggered for the next 2-3 months because of you people.
Anyway, where were we? Where are we? No idea.
It just occurred to me that there space station has a democracy
You missed an ironic improv scene about improv in a show that is improvised by improvisors.
Slugman teaches everyones how to raise his one remaining eggbaby to the community. They lick his egg. And sings an songs.
Helmsman takes peoples on an adventure. maybes gets lost in a grey hole.
Captain went to the zoo. The space zoo. All the animals died.
Thens we travelled through time and space with O’Mallie and Captain, and got a story from Howard Storey, and then go for space foods at the food circus
It’s 5AM. That’s the kind of up to the minute, detailed oriented reportage you can expect.
Everyone is playing zero gravity twister.
This is probably an important plot point.
I hope you’re paying attention.
Over in the android reprogram bar, everyone reprograms the androids.
But only a little bit.
CHASE SCENE! Queef is chasing his son, who ran away at some point.
And he finds him. Yay?
Deveda is back from her investigation – and she remembered the phrase she was meant to remember.
Mostly because she read this, and therefore cheated.
And then she almost died, but What saved her, so it’s all going to be okay.
O’Mallie learns new accents from Al Clarke.
Things happened. None of them related storyline.
Until Plot Driver decides to go on an away mission. That might be part of the storyline… I stress, might.
They’re going to look for the last whale… so, I take that back.
Oh, plot may have happened – According to a scan by Doctor What, it looks like Deveda may or may not be in love with Ted Talks.
Rhea teaches the dance for the flashmob that’ll happen later at the political rally.
For… her campaign?
I don’t remember her campaigning.
Captain Flicard is trying to work out whether she wants to run for her job all over again, or if she’s done with it…
And it seems that she’s done with it?
Plot Driver has enlisted his angry plant army – who have been through anger management – to campaign on his behalf in his attempt to get elected for the Green party.
Because of the plants. Green, like them. And other environment things.
Like, well, not the sky… but, grass. And limes. And crayons.
But only the green crayons, such as Inchworm, Asparagus, Fern, Shamrock, Tropical Rain Forest, all of which are actual crayon colours.
Tickle Me Pink.
Permanent Geranium Lake.
Purple Mountains’ Majesty*.
*Note the sky comma (apostrophe), the majesty BELONGS to the purple mountains.
With Captain Flicard having abdicated her role, Queef greets the crew to tell them the news.
We recap who is running for captaincy. There are a lot more people in the running now than there were in the debate.
As Helmsman picks up his new ship from O’Mallie, he imparts that there is a myriad wealths in his cabin, and then leaves on his new ship.
Howard is going to help Devenda and Rhea with their campaign.
Doctor What catches up with all the illnesses she’s been ignoring amongst the crew for the journey thusfar.
Queef takes newly hired Health & Safety android Tim to the Health & Safety Executive
Gue and Dervada drink drinks in the bar. They have history.
Ted mediates for Rhea and the Captain, and all is good agains.
Pi babysits Titus the slugbaby, and they sing an songs. Pi leaks eyewater.
Agatha goes to Howard to talk about whatever man she’s into… I’ve lost track of all of that…
Plot Device seeks out Doctor What to discuss the Green campaign.
O’Mallie is trying to get into Helmsman’s cabin to steal the wealths contained within.
Queef stumbles upon his in-breaking, and accidentally assists the break-in.
But then O’Mallie gets locked in.
He’s probably fine.
Queef has to help Tim deal with all the health and safety forms that have resulted from injuries after Tim’s lax health and safety standards went shipwide, and he amputated all the legs.
All. The. Legs.
Dogboy returns to his office after a nap to discover that Agatha is now head of security… and he is not.
But he has an scheme… because she does not know how the brig works, and he’s all too willing to aid her in finding out… by locking her in there.
Then a political party broadcast that was broadcast publically for political partying.
Welshman discovers O’Mallie is not in engineering. But some work experience boys are.
And he puts them to work, tidying up.
Unfortunately their tidying make s the entire set untidy, so everyone has to re-tidy.
Flicard goes to visit Queef in her former captains quarters, that are now his quarters, because he is acting captain.
More accurately, he’s a man acting as a slug that’s acting as a captain… but you know what I mean.
And as part of his acting as captain, he orders her hence force evicted from the ship – but she can campaign for her re-election… from the brig…
But he’s too busy to escort her there himself, so he trusts she will report there immediately.
Barbara serves Howard and Gue as SpaceMcDonalds. I’m not sure any plot happened.
Ted tries to talk to Vic about things. Robot things, I imagine.
Then there were party political broadcasts from political parties broadcasting their political party broadcasts that were broadcast publically for political parties broadcasting to the public to broadcast their party politically.
And then, Treeroy helps Plotman and What with the plants in the green party?
That wasn’t a question, it was a statement, an observation, or at least a fraction of an observation because I was distracted.
An internalised question that was externalised by punctuation, but intended for an audience of one – namely me – but you read it, and frankly, that was a violation of my most deepest thoughts, like reading my diary or my journal or peeking in my hope chest or looking at my vision board – which is mostly pictures of kittens wearing business suits and carrying briefcases, because who doesn’t want to see that? – but it’s still a violation.
Anyway, I’m disappointed in you, and you’re no longer invited to my bee parade.
I expect you to return the costume, fully dry cleaned, and in perfect condition.
Honestly, the last time I got it back, it was disgusting…
Shit, there’s a show on, isn’t there.
The fabulous party are recoreographing their flashmob, I think – and this time I’m not going to put an internalised question mark there, because we both know where that’s going to take us, don’t we?
(That was an intentional, actual question mark.)
Anyway, Helmsman is back, and he has become spiritual, like a Jedi, but without copyright infringement.
And then Pi explains to Wanda that he has emotions, and wants to do some more emotions.
Now, another political broadcast from partying political parties broadcasting politically for their political broadcasted parties that were broadcast publically by political parties to the public broadcasting their party politically.
All these people who have had their legs removed by Tim are hazardous to all the people still walking.
Doggydog helps him come up with a solution.
Some parties didn’t show up, perhaps because they forgot they were involved…
I forgot who was involved, so it’s fare enough they did too.
And the winner is…
… … …
… … … …
It’s children’s hour, so names such as Queef will be changed to… Meow.
Not that queef is a bad word to any extent. You could probably have a character named Farty McFarts and that would be fine… But ladyparts exuding gasses is obviously a step too far by patriarchal societal norms.
That said, Shagholes Cumhard, for example, is right out as a name for children’s hour. As is Chastity Cuckcock, Androgopansex Genderfluid, or Barry BDSM-Fuckfest.
(Even though the family history of both the Fuckfests and BDSMs is very interesting indeed, and would make for a great story, suitable for all ages.)
But you know what society is like these days…
Anyway. Children’s hour takes a break from the actual storyline, and superimposes all the narratives into cutesy morality tales about friendship and not lying and so on.
But it’s got a same sex (or at least non gender specific / cross-species) couple with a child, so that’s nice to see presented to childrens.
Gots to reprazent.
The orientation/gender aspect obviously. Not the cross-species element…
As much as there are elements of the British public that are in favour of cross-species relationships (that subsect crosses over with those that wanted out of Europe – take from that what you will…) I do not believe Impropriety – nor children’s hour – supports such views.
I’d write to them just to check.
They might not get the first email, so be sure to send them at least ten in one go.
Then another ten, every ten minutes, for every hour of day until they’ve answered each and every single email you’ve sent.
Even if it’s the same body to every email – because it will train them for elite customer services of servicing the customers.
They’ll thank you for it, I promise.
And if they don’t, then… y’know… send them ten emails every ten minutes until they do.
(I probably won’t be asked back next year.)
I am here to help, stay on message, and totally not get distracted.
And I’m sure you’ll agree, I am succeeding.
(Email Impropriety 10x10mins if you agree – or if you don’t.)
Anyways, Children’s Hour is over now, and lasted 1:45. (but what do kids know about time, amiright?)
Dervada tells the crew what her new regime will entail… She’s mostly going to stand around whilst they do all the work. Barbara has been hired to boost morale. Piratesman wants a crew to find treasure… and I thinks pretty much everyone is going with him.
Howard helped Pamela (I think?) with a decision.
Welshman tried to help excape Irishman from the room full of bullion. bouillon? Let’s say little bit of each.
But they BOTH get trapped.
The pirateman meets his crew in the pirate meeting room:
They agree to go looking for the deathmine full of gold.
Elsewheres… Agatha and Flickard have funs blending in whilst they are on the run.
They summon Queef. Who does not answer, because he’s gone poopies.
So they make a plan to have a life away from all the shenanigans thusfar, to ransack, and get a ship and goes far far away.
But just thens, Treeboy finds thems, and falls over – only to have his life saved by Agatha… but he agrees to come with them, and off they goes.
Davada, Barbara and Vic and Guy meets in place to talk things that is was harders than what how they expected its two bees.
They hatch a plan. Something to do with a booty contest?
No, beauty contest. Misheard.
Pamela goes home to Queef, who does not what to see him, or lets him near their final remaining child.
A singittysongs is embarked upon by Pam, to try and rekindle their love…
Queef is having none of it. Not one bit.
And thus Pamela threatens to take it through the court system.
With an grand harmonious declaration of Fuck You.
The engineers were stuck in Helmsman’s vault. Howard tried to get into the vault, but failed.
Luckily Welshy has had a teleportation device all along.
Howevers, as they escaped, they realise they didn’t take any of the gold… so they try to be super sexy dancers to get the door open. Alas, Irishman might have broken his bottom in the process of being TOO sexy.
Peoples go to the bored games café.
They complete the quota of product placement for one of the Improvathing’s sponsors.
Ted gives everyone a peptalk before they go to get the gold on the pirate mission thing.
And gets punched in the man-cooch by Wanda for being ageist….
Then it’s lift off time – but they offed their lift too muchly – and may or may not have almost definitely probably crashed!
15 sacrifices herself right off the back, and respawns as 16.
They crew use her as a bridge to cross the acid fields.
Then get to the mine, and meet John the minekeeper, who is fairly amicable.
But 16 -wait 17 – no, 18 – now 19 – double crosses them! She’s taking the gold for herself and the pirateman.
However, she and the minekeeper are both immortals… and they have so much in common.
Plot Device tries to reason with her, suggests they don’t take it back to the pirate at all….
He tries to disarm her – but she’s too fast! Oh noes! He’s been shot! And dies!
What does her best to doctor at him… and in the confusion, 19 takes the gold, and the minekeeper, and the ship, and off she goes!
Pamela and Slugman go to Captain Devada, who is acting as judge
, jury and executioner in the custody hearing.
The first witness is Doctor What, straight from the last scene, somehow, suggests that Queef killed her own young but for the lone survivor.
He does not like to hear that.
She transports back to the planet of acid and gold and murder and death.
Howard acts in Pamela’s defence, and thus Sluggy gives in, and realises there is nothing he can do to prove himself deserving of being a mother…
But the new captain calls one former witness – the previous captain?!
And she deems… that Squee was a terrible friend… But is an upstanding slug.
And thusly, Slugsworth gets to keep the baby, and Pammy gets a restraining order!
Welshey and Irishey celebrate their stolen monies, and work out where and how they’re going to spend their monies.
Irish wants 14 wives, because:
Howard, Vic, Barb, and Guy talks about how to makes the
booty cuntest beauty contest work.
They’re going to mark things out of five.
Captain and Agatha end up on a planet of screaming things, that turn out to communicate through song.
A medley of songs, infringing gods know how many copyrights in the process.
Pirateman is in his pirateroom, when minekeeper and 19 return with the gold.
Turns out Minekeeper was responsibles for all of the deaths everywheres.
Pirateman tries to recruit him to his pirate gang. And then they want to destroy any evidence of themselves on the space station.
Now we’re off to Plot Device’s eulogy… or… funeral…
Everyone remembers flushbacks of him and the things he did.
All very amoozings, until the final one, which is touching and beautiful and real touching and whats have you.
Sluggles lets Pamela have one final visit to their son before… um… never seeing him again, Ithunks?
Pamela tells sluglatron just how much he loves him. And begs him one last time to think twice about going with the court’s rulings, and never seeing the slug he loves, and his son ever agains….
Slugger says nothing…
He just stares…
A beautiful apology and goodbyes song is sung by Pammy to Add to dictionary, recounting the length and breadth of their relationship, from their first date at the milk pool, to the insemination and babymakings, to the blossoming of their love… To their problems… and his heart being ripped out (figuratively).
But insects cannot survive their hearts being broken.
And Pamela collapses at the end of her song, having had her family torn apart, having lost her love, having lost everything.
Queef lies on the ground and holds her close… and…
That’s where we’re ending this fucking episode?!?!?!!?!?!??!!??!?!?!?
And I forgot all about this, because we had a beauty contest… that became a dance off.
So this graphic was useless:
It became this instead:
Then Rhea won!
It had a sponsor.
And thens Wanda, What and Pi met in the hollowduck room.
Which was this:
And it was full of jokes… until Pi realised that he was getting in the way between Wanda and Doctor What…. and so he left them…
Captain, Agatha and Halftree land on an planet. They planet of uncomfortable eye contact.
The residents sing songs, infringing all manner of copyrights, and incurring heavy penalties.
They leave woodboy there.
The engineers meet with the other crew (I thunks) to say goodbye to Welshie, who is leaving for captain school in the morrow.
Innuendos aplenty. Regarding penetrating
ducks ducts and what have you.
Then it’s time for a lad rap.
Queef is worried about how his child Titus is doing after the death of his father etc, so he visits Ted.
Titus blames Ted for Pamela’s death.
Because of reasons.
Because Ted wasn’t the one Pamela could count on for advice – and went to Howard… who advised him… poorly?
But it’s not just that… they blame… hoomans!
Diversity – Pamela’s mission in life – was the reason she died…
They lay the guilt in thick. And Ted feels pathetic as an result.
The pir(umver)ate of pirates have all the monies. mwahahahahaha.
And are drunked.
The mineman wants to keep doing evils, and can’t imagine doing it with anyone but the two of them.
And… it turns out that Spacepirate never killed anyone in all his life…
After a rousing song, Both 19 and Mineman offer their immortal selves, so that he may kill them – and thus know what it was like to kill someone.
Everyone wins. Everywins!
Tim volunteers to work on Helmsman’s new ship.
The most important thing, before Helmsman can accept him as first mate, is to check that Tim does not still have desires to kill all hoomans.
He says he is… for now.
Helmsman decides to install a clapper on Tim, so that whenever he feels in danger, he can just clap his hands, and deactivate him.
And in an accidental display of how his light sword works, Helmsman accidentally cut Tim’s legs off – and ironically, he did slip and fall.
Now that Tim is useless, Helmsman has the option to install him into the mainframe of his ship… or fire it into the sun… He decides to put it in the mainframe.
Kat and Deefer enjoy the sun – whoopdeedoo.
But there shall be no whoops, dees, or doos.
For they both feel left out… The hoomans and aliens do not care much for them.
They talk about escape, to go to their home planets, to be free from the neglect they suffer from.
Dabrabradaba tells Barbara how much she’s meant to her, helping her run the space station.
She gives Barbara a gift.
And learns not to be daft. And to get a bath.
Wanda and What have a heart to heart, in which Wanda reflects on sacrificing her own love for the love of her daughter. Doctor What insists that her mother goes ahead with her relationship with Pi.
Guy visits Vic in an attempt to excuse himself from his role as second in command.
We move to the Craft Beer Planet, where Tom Anderson is a deity. Not convinced this is related to the storyline…
Irishy is left to engineer all by himself, clinging to an exhaust port. He climbs about, trying to get some where else, like, not on an exhaust port. It turns into a game on The Crystal Maze.
Will he makes it out in time….
And he also got the code for the safe in the captain’s quarters.
So he goes to the captain’s quarters. Where there are more clues
And finds the safe.
Inside is Richard O’Brien, who offers him another choice of games.
He goes for a physical game…. and we’ll come back to that later.
Pi has been distracted by love from his babysitting duties, so now that he is all out of love, he’s back to it… except that Titus is fully grown.
But through the medium of song, Pi helps Titus have emotions – just as she helped him when she was just a little sluggling.
Agatha goes to Ted Talk’s office to talk to Ted about thanking him for helping her by Ted talking talk to her. They discover that they have helped each other.
Then Dablamblaba went to the Health And Safety Executive, but they fell on the floor, and it was lava.
Theeeeeen, the pirates went to Vic’s lab in search of a big red button (?)
They discovered a dead body of Vic himself.
Sluggo is there, wearing Vic’s helmet… and is asking if they are his daddy…
Because he wants a….
And then I may or may not have been responsible for a three minute reprise of the Daddy Party song…
Kat and Deefer break into Helmsman’s ship to steal it and get to their home planets.
But just as they’re preparing for lift off, Helmsman returns!
He wants to kick them out – and then realises that they want to go to two planets that he’s never been to…
Howard directs a new staging of Rhea’s one woman show.
It is – I swear to gods – exactly the same as it was hours and hours and hours ago.
Flicard is back on the station and meets Sluggo, who is not having a daddy party, and that makes me wonder if it was actually him who was having the party, and perhaps it was someone who just looked suspiciously like him…
Anyway, the former captain and former first officer apologize to each another.
And Queef promises to follow Flicard wherever she goes.
Irishman arrives at the final part of the quest for whatever he was meant to be looking for.
He finds a chest. A very heavy chest. And there’s a voice that whispers on the wind, telling him to open it…
He opens it, and discovers whatever inside is covered in wrapping…
And he pulls it off…
And it’s a lot of gold!!!
Wanda sits down with Pi.
And tells him that she’s spoken with her daughter… and is sorry for sending him away…
Because she has to follow her heart…
She asks him, pleads him, to take her back.
Sings to him, to express how afraid she is to admit the feelings she has for him.
And… will he take her back?
He’s scared too.
But… it seems…
They’re getting back together!
Aaaaand we’re back. For the final motherfucking episode of the 2017 Liverpool Improvathing!
Devada tells everyone that the red button was pressed (did I miss that?!) And now the ship is leaking…
She offers to step down, and let Flicard take back control of the space station.
STRONG AND STABLE LEADERSHIP will save the day!
But then… The SpacePirate calls through on the intercom… and all the lifepods have been detached by the cat…
They’re sinking… to the bottom of the universe!
There is one solution… if someone is brave and strong enough… to press the GREEN BUTTON…
But… the only problem is… it’s in the room with all the quacking ducks.
Titus, Queef’s child, volunteers. And it gives Queef the chance to tell Titus her name in Sluggish. And tells her how proud Pamela would be of her.
The Space Pirate is annoyed to discover that there is a green button – and vows to do whatever it takes to stop it being pressed!
Queef runs off after Titus to help… as does the captain!
Dervada and Guy fuckity off to go drinking and adventuring.
Kat and Helmsman land on the Catooine, the catplanet. It’s full of cats, and one terrified dog.
It turns out that Kat is their god.
So that’s worked out nicely for her… and Helmsman heads off to his own destiny…
So, it’s time for a…
The pirates discuss the big red/green button issue.
SpacePirate thinks this crew, with 20 and mineman, is the best crew ever. To prove this, he volunteers to probably die… for a good cause… By guarding the green button.
But just then – Queef appears!
They’re guarding the door to the room with the green button… and while he distracts them… Titus sneaks behind them… while he’s telling them the Sluggish name for Tae Kwun do…
They can’t help but give in to the rhythmic nature of the Sluggish language – and while they’re distractedly distracted, Titus goes for the button!
But 20 grabs her… and restrains her… and strangles her, despite the slime!
Queef begs them not to murder her – and SpacePirate holds a proton gun on him… the only thing that can kill an immortal…
And Flicard arrives just in time, with her own gun that can kill immortals!
It’s a standoff!
And this is where we get the big reveal…
That the captain was a space pirate – in Space Pirate’s crew!
And now everyone has guns!
And Irishy is in the ducts and has a gun!
Space Pirate is surrounded…
He puts his gun to his head – he won’t be taken alive…
And kills himself.
Queef takes Titus away, whilst the Captain makes 20 press the button…
And she does! The ship is saved!
20 and Mineman mourn the SpacePirate’s passing.
Well, Mineman does, while 20 steals his coat…
And then they undress him…
They are better pirates than he was, it seems.
Like, they’re completely undressing him… And he comes back to life! He’s immortal too!
Space Pirate doesn’t want to be bad anymore – he want’s to own a garden centre. They’re going to own it together!
Doctor What, Wanda and Pi celebrate the space station’s survival by telling one another stories.
About lamps being made out of vaginas, and vagina-related apparatus.
In the bar, it’s time for….
Ted Talks and Agatha go on a tour of intergalactic places.
They realise that now that they have one another, they’ve never going to let one another go every again.
Oh, hey, did you remember Irishy’s name is O’Mally/O’Mallie?
Totally forgot that.
Anyway, he’s in the engine room, I think, doing engineroom things.
And then… the uh… Health And Safety Executive are back?
And offer him a job?!
Howard has a party, because he’s being sent back to the Council of Howards.
Everyone says goodbyes, goodbyingly.
And then… There’s an unexpected guest – it’s the REAL HOWARD STOREY!
Queef and Titus have some parent/child time, to relax after the craziness of the last hour.
She wants to do something to honor Pamela… Like, growing bug eyes?
Queef sings her a song to remind her that hearts can break – but as long as you’re not an insect, they can be fixed.
Something is about to happen…
It’s a FLAAASSSSHHHMOB!
Helmsman is alone on his ship.
Reflecting on what he’s experienced since he docked on the space station.
He goes into hypersleep.
To wake up, in a new place, a new time.
Dablingblang and Guy are doing shots in the bar.
And decide to be nice.
And not abandon one another. Ever again. Probably.
Rhea’s one woman show has been picked up for a broadway run, with a full chorus.
And it’s all very good indeed.
And now, we end as we began – and it appears that we begun as we were to end – with captain Flichard and Queef addressing the crew.
Everyone has come together, working as a team.
The Space Station might not have moved, but it was mov-ing.
And on that note.
If you’ve somehow managed to enjoy this, you can find more of my words over here.
Impropriety do shows and outreach work all overs – follow them over on facebook for the latest news.
Much love to you all, I shall catch you next year, for more of this ramblywankspaff.