The time is 1pm, Saturday 21st March 2015. The place is The Kazimier, Wolstenholme Square, Liverpool. Premier Improv-ers Impropriety, along with a few special guests, are gearing up for 33.5 hours of non-stop improvised fun.
We find ourselves in a fairytale land of enchanted forests, troll infested bridges and gingerbread houses. Join us on a magical journey into Happily Ever After…
My name is Frances, proprietor of THAT Comedy Blog, and I’ll be your live blogging guide on this madcap, fairy dust sprinkled trip into the unknown – you’ll know you to blame when this page becomes unintelligible around 4am.
Doors open every odd numbered hour from 1pm Saturday to 9pm Sunday. Tickets can be bought on the door. Come and join in the fun!
Commence LIVE BLOGGING!
Lost? Me too. Jump to an episode…
Hansel – Missing his sister Gretel.
Teresa Grey – High commissioner from the Highways Agency. She hates the forest and wants to build a motorway.
Jack Frost – Ambassador from Canada.
Shaun the Faun and Winnie the Centaur – Gangsta’s from the forest.
The Green Man – In charge of the forest and determined to stop the building of the road through the forest.
Dusky the Darkness Gatherer – A mysterious lady with dark powers.
Carol Axeman and Terry Axeman – A rare sight, humans in the forest. Terry hates fairies.
Rev. Tommy Titmouse – Reverend of an as yet unknown church.
Big Bee – A magical giant bee who loves flowers.
Bill Ox – Half man, half minotaur who lives in the forest dump.
Lilliana – The daughter of King Oberon, banished because she has not yet realised her magical powers.
Magical Fairies: Fairy Jean – A retired fairy godmother who sometimes speaks in poetry and Apple Paltrow-Martin – Yes, that Apple, now “consciously uncoupled” from her parents.
James Terry Michael – Jimbo Tezmick to his friends, investigator for the North Yorkshire Police Department or the NYPD!
Arthur Farrage – You’re local MP. Pronounced like Faberge.
Prince Charming and Rebecca Charming – Human royals. Rebecca appears to be a half frog half human creature. Prince Charming thinks he’s Adam Ant.
King Great and King Mum – Charming siblings’ parents, the human royal family. King Mum rocks a zimmer frame.
Oberon and Puck – Wise King of the magical kingdom and his silver spandex coated minion who asked alot of questions.
Once upon a time in a land of make ’em ups…
King Great, King Mum, the Charming siblings, Jack Frost, Arthur Farrage and Teresa Grey have met for dinner at the Human Court. Teresa has big plans for King Great’s kingdom, mainly the building of a massive road through it. Jack Frost, Ambassador from Canada thinks a road is a great idea, so that people might be able to see outside of the kingdom. Teresa thinks that a road would bring great tourism opportunities for the kingdom. King Great likes the idea of a bit of extra money. Also, Prince Charming is a disgrace to the family, and as such, reckons tourism might bring in some hotties – King Great seems convinced. Rebecca suggests a one-in-one-out system to limit numbers.
MEANWHILE in the other Royal Family, Oberon has called a meeting to discuss rumours of a new road. Magical creatures and fairies in attendance. The Green Man compares building a road in the forest to someone shaving the skin off his face. Apple represents the plants – and is sad that her health food shop isn’t thriving, which the road will only make worse. Winnie and Shaun tell a story about an adventure that they had, where Shaun got stuck in the mud – this seems to be largely irrelevant to the road. Big Bee is concerned about the honey. They all think about the honey. Fairy Jean thinks that the two kingdoms of human and fairy should be joined together. Puck is dispatched to send a message.
MEANWHILE Down at The Wizard’s Sleeve, the local pub, the Axeman’s are having a drink with Lilliana when Shaun Colt arrives. He is yet to be properly introduced – he is a FAIRY HUNTER! Apple appears to be the landlord of the pub. Shaun Colt explains that when he catches fairies he grinds them up to make fairy liquid. Terry invites Shaun to go out chopping wood with him.
MEANWHILE Hansel is searching for Gretel – he is in No Man’s Land between human and fairy worlds, the forest dump, where he finds Bill Ox. Everything that is lost in the forest ends up in the dump eventually, but she doesn’t seem to be in the dump just yet. Bill refuses to spank Hansel, who is “a little naughty boy”. Fifty Shades references have been cracked out already.
MEANWHILE Big Bee goes to see Apple, to see about selling his honey in her health food shop, but he has run out. Bee has been kissing all the flowers, and needs their pollen to make more honey. The problem is, the flowers are greedy sorts, and they want gold in return. Bee positive, bee happy, bee nice – Apple is struggling to keep the shop open – Big Bee offers to help and provide for her. They are going to put on a fundraiser, a health festival with yoga and meditation to save the BEES-NESS.
MEANWHILE Rev. Tommy Titmouse is holding a service in his church. The Church of the Moron Dickhead. No, wait, The First Church of the Grim. He wants the congregation to spread the word of the religion – and make some money! If they can’t get a few more members, he will have to close the church. The Grim says life gets shitter, and shitter and shitter. What a motto for a church. Shaun the Faun offers to get some “sick followers” for him. Blud.
MEANWHILE King Great is showing Teresa Grey around the magical Kingdom. This includes the Enchanted Forest and Kingdom of Men. King Great explains he is all human, but even in his own family there is a hybrid. And there are creatures that live amongst them. Don’t get him wrong, some of his best friends are creatures. But all magic is bad, as an unfair advantage. He claims he is THE King. King Oberon is just a ruler. Teresa suggests the creatures would be easier to rule if they were DEAD.
MEANWHILE Shaun the Faun and Minnie the Centaur are having a “sick” rap battle. Prince Charming tries to geg in, talking the forest lingo and ting. But frankly, can’t quite drop those phat beats. He gives it a go anyway, but mentions self harm and really brings the mood down. Minnie and Shaun forgive him though, even though it brings up bad memories of a Satyr they knew once. Prince Charming is allowed in their forest crew.
MEANWHILE Rebecca Charming has gone to see Fairy Jean in her grotto. Can she help with her half frog, half person problem? Fairy Jean thinks Rebecca should be grateful for what she has – it’s not so bad. She mentions she has been stuck off as a godmother and she’s a bit terrible at giving advise. She think the answer to the problem might be already inside her. Rebecca looks in the mirror for the very first time – they usually break when she’s around. Jean thinks Rebecca might have the best half of both creatures – she’s really good at catching flies for example. Jean somehow brings up the fact that she doesn’t have a vagina. Rebecca has one, fortunately, but it is green.
MEANWHILE The Green Man goes to see Dusky the Darkness gatherer, and offers her a sprout. They chat about the motorway that is planned to go through the forest, and Green Man asks for Dusky’s help, who is “cold as midnight”. She is allied to the forces of evil – it was HER that turns Rebecca into a half frog! Green Man and Dusky are striking a bargain – but what does Dusky want in return for her dark powers. The Green Orchid! A rare flower that only blooms around the solar eclipse! She will breed it with her black orchid to create an unstoppable DARK GREEN ORCHID. Dusky will “deal” with Teresa Grey and her motorway plans.
MEANWHILE Shaun Colt has gone to introduce himself to the human Royal Family, but only King Mum is in to greet him. King Mum, bless her, is very old, and a little confused. This leaves everyone a little confused. Shaun Colt says that a very dangerous fairy in on the loose, and calling himself the King. Shaun Colt will deal with this problem. He reads the Queen his CV, it says “killing fairies with big guns”. He claims to have killed the raging fairy of Newcastle. He will kill Oberon with a mysterious special gun.
MEANWHILE Jack Frost goes to introduce himself to Oberon and Puck as part of his Canadian cultural exchange. Oberon and Puck are playing an odd fairy game. Jack is welcomed into the court and “sits like a human”. Jack Frost is accused of being a spirit that walks like a man, but called a spirit of great beauty. Jack Frost claims he created Iceland. He is there to learn more of Oberon’s world. Puck seems a little jealous. Oberon assures him he is “super great”, but there still seems to be some rivalry. Oberon asks Jack to help in making a closer relationship with the Kingdom of Man – Puck is annoyed, because HE is the messenger. Oberon announces a contest – the first of Puck and Jack to fetch the King and bring him back to the fairy court will receive… A KISS!
MEANWHILE Arthur Farrage knocks round the Axeman’s house. Terry has written him an in depth letter, because he has no friends. Usually an MP wouldn’t deal with such matters, but Arthur offers to help find him a friend. Terry just wants more humans to live in the forest that he can be friends with. Arthur suggests more humans might come to the forest… if it wasn’t a forest! He suggests they should demolish it. Terry reads aloud from his Sci Fi novel, “There’s No Trees in Space”. They all go to talk to the King.
MEANWHILE Lilliana and Jimbo Tesmick are talking. There is a warrant on every fairies head put out by Shaun Colt, and Lilliana is Oberon’s daughter! Jimbo pulls his gun and threatens to take her to the bounty collection office – he needs the reward. But Lilliana isn’t a full fairy yet, so that plan won’t work! Instead, they team up together to find some fairies.
MEANWHILE Hansel goes to confess naughty things to Rev. Titmouse. Is it okay if a handsome young boy wants to start being extremely naughty? He asks. He abandoned his sister to an evil witch – now he wants to do evil things with the “goat man” Bill Ox. He plans to pit the human and fairy worlds against each other, just for laughs. The Rev. can’t authorize evil deeds, but if it gets more people into the church… well then maybe that’s okay…
MEANWHILE Big Bee and Apple go to see Bill Ox about sponsorship for the Health Festival. They show him some ideas for games – including the poorly thought out Apple Bobbing. Bee is revealed to be the last Bee on earth. Bill offers The Dump as a venue for the Health Festival, but wants something in return. He thrives on chaos and wants them to go to the fairy kingdom…
MEANWHILE Fairy Jean and Dusky are having a cup of tea. Jean wants to talk to Dusky about Rebecca Charming. Dusky has been deliberately showing off, because nobody notices her. Jean and Dusky used to be such good friends, but have grown apart – a touching scene follows as they acknowledge that good needs evil like Granola needs sultanas.
MEANWHILE Prince Charming is trying to chat up Teresa. He is doing this by lying on the table. Teresa just wants teach him some diplomacy skills so they can trick the fairies. Charming points out that killing all the fairies will never make Teresa happy. Isn’t she lonely? Teresa says she needs to be alone. Charming offers to go along with diplomacy lessons, but only so he can sleep with someone. He asks Teresa to dance.
MEANWHILE The Fairy Land national anthem must be sung once a day – everyone has broken in song, as King Oberon and King Great have a bit of a squaring off.
WE ARE FAIRIES AND WE ARE MEN AND WE ARE STRONG AND WE GET ALONG.
Hansel – A very, very naughty boy on a campaign for the Church of Bloody Morons, or whatever it is called…
Teresa Grey – Still very keen on building a bloody great big motorway.
Jack Frost – He’s been learning a lot from the forest, mainly about tax on Magic Apples.
Winnie the Centaur and Shaun the Faun – Tried to climb a tree yesterday. ‘Spect to da Forest.
The Green Man – Makes all the green, with his green magic. Green, green, green, green.
Dusky the Darkness Gatherer – On a mission from the Green Man, in an exchange for the Green Orchid. She’s just an attention seeker really.
Carol and Terry Axeman – Terry doesn’t understand half man, half animals. They are going to meet the King, but aren’t big fans of Arthur Farrage (sounds like Faberge).
Rev. Tommy Titmouse – Big on culty religions.
Big Bee – Loves flowers, but not as much as he loves his friend Apple. Running the “Granola Festival”.
Bill Ox – Loves a big of chaos.
Lilliana and James Terry Michael – Sort of a fairy and a bounty hunting police officer, teamed up to fight the supernatural. #teamwork.
Fairy Jean – She doesn’t have a foof, but she does speak in rhyme.
Apple Paltrow-Martin – Hollywood royalty who is literally an apple.
Arthur Farrage – (sounds like Faberge) Has a disappointing sex life.
NEW CHARACTER: Shaun Colt – Hunts fairies and kills things.
Prince Charming and Rebecca Charming – Rebecca has a green vagina. That is literally all we know.
King Great and King Mum – Self explanatory.
Puck and Oberon – Oberon still wise, Puck still in a silver onesie.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Fairy Jean is holding her monthly spell book group. Prince Charming is just there to meet hicks. Dusky is looking for a pet. Rebecca wants a fly to eat, but The Green Man only has sprouts. He casts a spell and Jean is impressed.
“Cut me through and I’m green, like a Kiwi crossed with a Vulcan”
The Green Man claims. Jean is trying to set up Rebecca the half frog and The Green Man – they are both green after all! She suggests they practice a love spell. She sings a bit of a little song, and The Green Man claims to have a green penis to match Rebecca’s green vagina. It’s all a bit blue. I mean green.
MEANWHILE At the church, the congregation sing the well known hymn,
“Bloody Hell, Why is Life so Shit?”
Rev. Tommy passes round the collection plate and everyone promptly leaves. He is understandably a little upset, so Hansel does some evil magic to cheer him up. It appears to have no effect. He is sent out to flyer for the church.
MEANWHILE Arthur has taken the Axeman’s to the forest to meet King Great. Terry thinks it’s a good idea to read more of his Sci Fi novel out loud. The ficitional spaceship crashes into a planet! The King is desperate to read Chapter 3! Terry can’t write more without inspiration. Arthur is keen to get the novel finished to encourage literary tourism – the king has problems in his treasury. Some of the money has gone missing. Is it in Arthur’s pockets? Someone has stolen it!
MEANWHILE King Mum has found the castle’s magic mirror. He’s very chatty but hasn’t shaved in a while. Some people might have died in fairyland in mysterious circumstances.
MEANWHILE The Green Man is running a LARPING club. Big Bee is a Level 20 Postman. Apple is a Level 17 Accountant. Bill Ox is a Teacher. Shaun the Faun is a Level 5 (That’s not very good, even in goat years) Milkman, and Winnie the Centaur is a Level 25 Welder with a “sick” hat. They are LARPING an imaginary shopping centre. There is soup and tax returns. Real Life Role Play is named Re-Li-Arping. Reliarping. Someone is lactose intolerant.
MEANWHILE Oberon is standing in the middle of room waiting to see who returns first, Jack Frost or Puck. Puck returns – but without the King. Puck was distracted by a maiden in a mountain stream, who he watched in a creepy manner. He learnt all about maidens. Oberon explains the difference between human and fairy maidens. Only one has a vagina – a deeply mysterious thing. Oberon expresses his loyalty for Puck. This is unrelated to the vagina chat, I think. Puck glides away on wheelie shoes. Sorry, I mean fairy magic.
MEANWHILE Jimbo and Lilliana are buddying up to Shaun Colt, to try and find out how to catch a fairy. Shaun Colt tells a story about a fairy stealing his cat. Shaun shows them his “fairy destroyer” the only thing that can kill a fairy. Jimbo gets out his own gun, which is from Norfolk and swaps the two. Shaun notices and threatens to shoot Jimbo unless he gives back the guns. Jimbo steals both guns and force feeds Shaun a truth serum. The gun will only work if a fairy blesses the gun. Jimbo asks Shaun to work together with them to catch fairy. Lilliana says she’s not trying to catch fairies, she just wants to find Oberon. They all team up, even though they all seem to have very different plans. Jimbo wants someone to bless the gun so that he can catch, Lilliana wants to find, Shaun wants to kill. So that’s clear…?
MEANWHILE Canadian Jack Frost is learning about forest culture from the Charming siblings. He is eating blood sausage with 17 different knifes and forks. Charming explains all about the Backbone fork and the Shoulder of Lamb fork. Jack Frost thinks it might be simpler to go from the outside in. Rebecca wants to live in Canada, Jack says they don’t have many half frogs. Rebecca is a little offended by Canadian frog races.
MEANWHILE Teresa goes to talk to the Axemans about the “huge fuck off motorway” plan. She suggests that the new road, with more people might mean big business for the couple, who are woodcutters by trade. Have I mentioned that they are inexplicably Geordie? Correction – Terry is from Teeside.
MEANWHILE Apple, Bee, Jimbo, Green Man and Shaun Colt are playing some kind of game in the pub.
MEANWHILE Lilliana had realised that Fairy hunting might not be for her – and finds herself in No Man’s Land. Bill Ox is at home, and claims to have:
“no ulterior motive”.
Bill says she is welcome to stay as long as she likes. She instinctively trusts him and gives him her gun. Bill wonders out loud about settling down, and contemplates the upcoming Granola Festival. He loves “stuff”, does Lilliana like “stuff”? He admits he hasn’t spoken to a woman in a long time. All his friends are Apples and Bees. He is babbling, overcome by a woman’s presence. All of a sudden, Lilliana starts counting bones that she keeps in her bra – they are all she has left of her mother.
MEANWHILE Dusky is in a monstrous garden. The petunia’s eat ham and the “serpent ferns” are flourishing. But she has lost her Black Orchid! Somebody has eaten it! Or was it stolen? The flowers say it was The Green Man! He is trying to foil her plan to create the Dark Green Orchid.
MEANWHILE Fairy Jean goes to the castle to see King Mum, who has been acting a little odd. Odder than usual. She has been making the mark of the pentagon on the floor and she appears confused that people can see her – the Mirror seems to have “spiritually violated her”. Jean calls the King Mum beautiful, she can feel her daffodil coloured aura, even though she is anti-royalist. The Queen is incredibly flattered, even though she previously thought fairies to be a little “fluffy”. Jean says the Queen is too good for this place, and the Queen starts to agree. The King Mum looks herself in the eye in the mirror and breaks into song. A song about beauty and daffodils. Jean asks the King Mum to come with her to place where her beauty will be appreciated. The King Mum reinstates Jean’s Fairy Godmother status.
MEANWHILE Rev Titmouse tries to boost church numbers through the Youth Groups, and enlists the help of Shaun and Winnie. They teach him about “youf”. Youf don’t turn up on time. But rulez can be coolz. The rulez of the Forest. “If an acorn falls in the forest, you have to plant it” for example. They haven’t brought any youthful friends though. How can the Rev bring in more kids? Maybe the church needs a rebrand. A cooler name perhaps? The youfs teach Rev. Titmouse to walk and talk like an animal, through a natty little song.
“1 Leg, 2 Leg, 3 Leg, 4! That’s how you walk like a centaur!”
MEANWHILE Nigel, no ARTHUR, Arthur Farrage has gone to talk to Jimbo and Shaun Colt. They have a confusing altercation of some kind.
MEANWHILE Jack Frost has brought King Great to Oberon. He receives his kiss as a prize. Puck repeatedly spills wine on King Great. They talk about the bounty on the head of the fairies. The bounty is a Bounty. The chocolate kind. Oberon calls King Great’s mother a slag. Turns out King Mum is his mother, not his wife. Who knew? Oberon threatens war unless King Great withdraws the Bounty – but King Great doesn’t know where the Bounty is. Yes, I’m confused too. King Oberon and King Great form a coalition of Bounty Hunter Hunters. CoBHH. Co-Bu-Ha-ur-Ha-ur!
MEANWHILE The Green Man is in the garden when Teresa goes to visit him. The Green Man sings some Desiree “Life, Oh Life”. Teresa doesn’t like life, she likes roads. Green Man explains that flowers are powerful, but Teresa wants to tarmac over the garden and therefore his life force and he will become MORTAL. Unless she gets something she wants…
17:00 – 19:00
Recap: Dusky wants her Black Orchid back off The Green Man. The Green Man is in love with Rebecca Charming. Winnie and Shaun do some sick adventures. Hansel is a naughty boy. Terry and Carol are tired because they have been cutting trees down to make way for a motorway, although they don’t know it. Rev. Tommy is on the Crystal Maze for some reason. Apple and Big Bee have been drinking. Bill Ox and Lilliana thrive on chaos and spend the evenings together. Aww. Jimbo and Shaun Colt are hunting fairies, supposedly. Jean is back from Fairy retirement thanks to King Mum. Arthur is the one man government of fairyland and is on the “road to murder”. Teresa wants to get her hands on some evil magic. Jack Frost is still confused by British (sorry, “forest”) culture. Princess Charming and Rebecca are both looking to get some action, with varying levels of success. King Great has been accused of raising a Bounty – it wasn’t him, but he wants to find out who did – he’s now bezzie mates with Oberon. Oberon and Puck are doing a pop quiz.
Princess Esmeralda – used to be a beautiful princess, cursed by a Wicked Witch to be an ugly ogre. She’s very lonely.
Scouse Tea Bag Lady – Like a “Bag Lady”, but with a magical tea bag.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Teresa Grey is trying to get hold of some dark magic, so has gathered all the dark creatures. Hansel suggests it would be easier to get power if she bumped a few of the other dark creatures off. Dusky implies Teresa has a magic vagina. Vagina’s are in short supply in the magical Kingdom, as all fairies lack them. Hansel is now singing a song entitled:
“Vagina, Cradle of the Darkest Power”.
It is very disturbing. Teresa plans to find a powerful creature and should them her vagina.
MEANWHILE Bee and Apple plan for the Granola Festival. They practice Apple yoga, which works with the core. APPLE CORE. Turns out the yoga is all a scam to nick people’s wallets. Apple needs the money to save the health store. No one seems to mind too much and they all sing an inspirational song about Bees.
“I am a bee, I am a bee, and you can be anything you want to bee”.
MEANWHILE Cultural exchange Jack Frost wants a literary piece to take home. He meets with Terry to talk about Terry’s Sci Fi novel – he wants to turn into a CANADIAN MOVIE. Gee whizz. Terry reads Chapter 3 of his novel. There are now in forest on a faraway planet, with a rabbit.
MEANWHILE Rebecca is on a Lily Pad when she bumps into Princess Esmeralda. They seem to be becoming fast friends. Rebecca makes a wish on the wishing well to be a real woman, but says it out loud by mistake, and we all know what that means! Esmeralda has no choice but to steal her wish, because those are the rules of the wishing well. They decide to share the wish. But they must find the woman inside themselves for the wish to come true…
MEANWHILE Jean and King Mum are doing Fairy Godmother training, but King Mum badly needs a wee – that’s why she’s been pacing in pentangles… pentagons? Jean loses the plot a little.
MEANWHILE Jimbo and Shaun Colt have gone on a fairy hunt for real this time. They can’t find one anywhere. The Tea Bag Lady turns up and Jimbo tongues her to see if she tastes like Smarties – that’s how you tell if someone is a fairy, you see. Someone suggests putting the kettle on – Tea Bag Lady is very excited because of her magic Tea Bag. What will the boys give her in exchange for use of the tea bag?
MEANWHILE Winne and Shaun the Faun have invited Prince Charming to their tree house. They play 16 Questions. Charming is afraid of dying alone and has Daddy issues, which is why he is always on the pull. It’s all a bit existential. As Shaun explains:
“Because the end is in sight, you want to get your end out of sight”. Deep man.
MEANWHILE Arthur gives a speech to the Royal Court about the Kingdom’s financial problems. They are skint mainly because of Prince Charming’s gold trouser habit. And his scarf habit. The treasury is entirely empty. Arthur is accused of a goat / semen related scandal. Members of the press are present, including the Daily Magic Mirror Mirror, including such questions as “Why does my life no longer love me?” “Because you’re a journalist”.
MEANWHILE Bill has taken Lilliana to the Wax Work Museum. He is pretty bad at dating, but he’s proclaiming some pretty romantic stuff about her eyes. They make out! It’s very romantic.
MEANWHILE At The Wizard’s Sleeve pub, Hansel is putting on a German theme night. All sing RAISE A GLASS TO SCHADENFREUDE.
MEANWHILE Rev. Titmouse is meeting with The Green Man about local Harvest festival. It’s been a barren year so Rev. Titmouse is after rotting vegetables (this is how the Church of Grim does things apparently). Green Man usually makes things grow – but he knows of a place they might find some rotten stuff. But it’s in a dangerous place… THE SWAMP OF DECAY!
MEANWHILE Teresa Grey has gone to the palace of Oberon and Puck in her mission to show her vagina to the most powerful fairy in the land – this will gain her power. She doesn’t do this straight away thank goodness. Oberon suggests that she should birth his children. In exchange for this, he will give her 25 coins, or a quarter of a coin, or some power or something. The exchange rates are ever changing and elusive.
MEANWHILE Apple and Bee try to teach human children the alphabet.
MEANWHILE The Fairy Hunters Jimbo and Shaun have gone back to the Tea Bag Lady – the tea bag she gave them had absolutely no effect. She is full of vinegar and despair. They really don’t know how teabags work – they’ve been trying to put they in their mouths and scream. Obviously you’re supposed to put them on your nose and breath in, header it onto the floor. Duh. Turns out the teabags let the Fairy Hunters see Fairies! That will come in handy! They learn of the “Fairy Mart”.
MEANWHILE Dusky is holding a “Women’s Find Your Darkness” party. The fairies are amazed by Lilliana’s Vagina (because fairies don’t have them, remember?) and all the women compare Vaginas. Just like at every sleepover ever! God lord.
MEANWHILE To keep gender balance, The Green Man is holding a “Find Your Green” Party for all the men. You don’t want to know what happens here.
19:00 – 21:00
Recap: Dusky is obsessed with Orchids… and vaginas. The Green Man has stolen her orchid, but accidentally hidden it in the Wishing Well. Shaun and Winnie have been on more adventures – mainly drawing faces on acorns. Esmeralda was very lonely but has made a friend, who is also very ugly, in the form of Rebecca. Hansel is still naughty. Carol and Terry are out to solve the Bounty problem. Rev Tommy is still blind in the Crystal Maze. He’s also got to go and find The Swamp of Decay. Apple and Bee are not human. Bill and Lilliana are still making out. Jimbo and Shaun Colt have magic teabags to help them hunt fairies. Jean and King Mum are getting along swimmingly. And I’ve just realised she might be called Fairy G. Too late to go back now. Arthur is recovering from the goat scandal and might want to be PM. Teresa is thinking of sleeping with “the enemy”. Jack Frost is still confused by our culture. Tea Bag lady still has nowhere to live. The human Royal family… have some Daddy issues to say the least. Oberon and Puck have awesome wheelie shoes.
Ivy F – Fertility fairy to the stars. Summoned from the wishing well to give nature a helping hand.
Thomas Baggins – On his Gap Year. Very excited about it.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Rebecca has taken Esmeralda back to the palace to meet her family. They are very judgmental. What will they think of Es? Not impressed is a phrase I’d use. However, through the all curing power of song, King Mum is able to see something special in the disfigured Princess. “I feel a confession coming on…” The Princess is King Great’s banished daughter!
MEANWHILE Terry is casting for the film adaptation of his Sci Fi novel. Everyone is auditioning for the role of “King”. Prince Charming reckons he might be quite good at this, he is heir after all. Commence auditions using only the line:
“A human? In my kingdom? I don’t bloody think so pal!”
Jimbo is nervous and forgets all his lines. Winnie and Shaun are splitting their lines between them. Oberon breaks up the fun.
MEANWHILE Dusky is in her garden of darkness, Rev. Tommy is also there. It is revealed that it was Dusky that turned Tommy blind (have I mentioned that he’s blind?). She works her “womanly wiles” on him, and it appears there is quite a bit of history here. He tells her he is looking for the Swamp, and was given directions by the Green Man. She strikes up a deal – she wants her Orchid back from The Green Man in exchange for the return of his eyes. Her plants have been looking after them.
MEANWHILE Jimbo, Shaun Colt and Tea Bag Lady are holding up the “Fairy Mart” to try and capture a fairy. They capture Jean.
MEANWHILE Apple and Bee go to see Bill – who is busy “pollinating” with Lilliana. Apple and Bee have kidnapped four children, but Bill didn’t really want children, he wanted information about the Human King. Apple and Bee are confused and Bill is livid. Will he still give them the land to hold the Granola festival? Bee offers Bill a silver orchard, or is it a dark green orchard? Ooooooo?
Pun crown goes to: “I can’t smell it with my bee nose!” “I read Beanos”
MEANWHILE Thomas the Gap Year guy meets Winnie and Shaun in the “forest ghetto”. They initiate him into the gang. They make him stick his head in the mud. “GHETTO”.
“What are you taking a gap year from? Awesome?”
MEANWHILE In Oberon’s Palace, Teresa agrees to have Oberon’s child in exchange for power. A child that will have a fairy pregnancy of 6 hours, and be fully grown in 10 hours (conveniently). Oberon calls in Ivy F to help them conceive. She say Teresa’s womb is like a motorway, in that it is unfit for children. They must find an orchid that will help them conceive. The people in this kingdom bloody love orchids.
MEANWHILE Arthur meets with Green Man. We discover that Arthur Farrage is MP for Fairies Are In Real-Time Yawning Kingdom Independence Party. FAIRY-KIP. They hatched a plot. Green Man will become Lord of Everything somehow, and Arthur will be Prime Minister – does this mean they will have to kill the King?
MEANWHILE Hansel wants to “level up” in evilness, so goes to see Dusky. She offers him some tips on magic, and invites him into her “women’s weeds”. She advises him that to become more evil, he should put a dress on.
MEANWHILE in THE OLD DESERTED BARN. Jimbo, Tea Bag Lady and Shaun Colt are holding Fairy Jean hostage. Fairies and Humans are like opposite ends of a magnet – or are they more like black and white keys on a piano, meant to sit together? Jean tries to talk her way out of her imprisonment, and makes Shaun Colt cry. Tea Bag Lady says Jean is tricking them with fairy powers. But wait a minute! Tea Bag Lady has magic teabags! She’s the one with the powers! Jimbo turns the gun on her!
MEANWHILE At another meeting about the Granola festival, Apple, Bee and Jack Frost do the meeting dance, and the tick the thing off the list dance. They want an Ice Rink at the Festival and Jack Frost is the guy to talk too! He teaches them the Canadian alphabet. He thinks he should magic up an Ice Rink out of thin air but Apple and Bee want to use a “lake of pee” for some reason. Cue a delightful little song about kittens and flowers. Would you like to go to a place more magical than Canada? It’s inside of you!
Moral of the scene: The beauty of fairyland is inside of us all, alongside the lake of piss. Lovely.
MEANWHILE Arthur meets with Ivy F to solve the empty treasury problem. As the fairy currency is children, she may be able to help. The exchange rate remains elusive and uncertain. There is more talk of the wonderful road.
Australian Ivy F “Can I move here?” FAIRY-KIP Leader Arthur “We have laws, and dare I say it, standards”.
They discuss favourite bridges and wonder what to do next…
Pun crown goes to: “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it!”
Ivy agrees to help Arthur in exchange for a visa.
MEANWHILE In King Great’s court, they are still dealing with the discovery that Esmeralda is a Charming sibling. Everyone is disgusted with the King, who rejected his poor ugly daughter (well, one of them, anyway). King Great wants to hug him like he used to before Esme went a “bit gammy”. King Mum suggests they find the person who did this to Esme and make them see the error of her ways… BUT WAIT A MINUTE Rebecca is livid that no one has ever tried to cure her…
MEANWHILE The Axemans are chopping wood in No Man’s Land but Bill is annoyed because they didn’t ask the tree for permission. Lilliana points out the tree isn’t quite dead yet.
Pun crown goes to: “I get it, you’re a tree doctor!”
Bill refers to Lilliana as his future wife, and everyone focuses on that instead. He proposes… no wait! No he isn’t proposing! He asks her to leave. She is distracting him from his true mission! She can keep the orchid but she’s dumped! She is understandable livid and offers him her mum’s Femur bone, for some reason. This seems to resolve things somewhat and he promises to keep it forever. Probably.
MEANWHILE The Green Man is in his garden. Rev. Titmouse comes round to tell him that he found The Swamp of Decay. The Green Man has flushed his Black Orchard down the loo or the Wishing Well, he doesn’t seem sure. But it’s not his Black Orchid, is it! It’s Duskys! They have to go and find it in the Well system.
MEANWHILE Oberon and Teresa are discussing childcare arrangements. Let’s just say that Oberon’s ideas about fatherhood are a little anti-feminist. Teresa would prefer a 50/50 split. Oberon really isn’t having that. Puck enters and has completely failed to find that blasted Orchid – probably because it has been stolen and flushed and then found by Bill and Lilliana, who still has it, or so Puck thinks. Oberon will find the Orchid and considers that his share of the childcare.
MEANWHILE Shaun and Winnie have taken Thomas on an adventure to the glade. They bump into Hansel who is busy being evil and that.
MEANWHILE At The Granola Festival! Everyone eats lots of honey, skates on the Ice Rink of Pee and does Apple bobbing. Apple is drowning in a bucket, but luckily everyone saves her. Then there is dancing. Then there’s the counting the quinoa game! And the “What’s Wrong with This Guy?” game. Everyone hugs!
21:00 – 23:00
Recap: Dusky is still looking for that Orchid, and a vagina. The Green Man has stolen the Orchid and loves the frog woman Rebecca although she doesn’t know it. Winnie and Shaun think Dinosaurs are wicked. Esme has gained a family and a tall princess hat. Hansel is an even naughtier boy and now has an evil familiar in the form of Thomas Baggins, the gap year guy. Hansel needs to find a dress to become more evil. The Axemans are fighting become they are jealous of the love between Bill and Lilliana. Rev. Tommy Titmouse is still in the Crystal Maze. Apple and Bee are no longer pretending to be human. Bill is alone, having jibbed off his fiancee, he’s got a gun and he might use it on himself.
Pun crown goes to (already): “Never mind the Bill – Ox!”
Lilliana has a present from Bill that might mean something. Jimbo, Shaun Colt and Fairy G are still trapped in the old barn. Ivy F has been blackmailing everyone and plans to steal THE ORCHID (the obvious star of this show) for herself. Arthur is running for PM, in his government of one. Teresa is going to have the fairy King’s baby, but she is infertile. Jack Frost is confused about “Tea” and “Tea”. The Human Royals have had some occurrences, and now have three children, a mum and a King. Oberon and Puck are going on a fairy quest.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Every is singing the Fairy National Anthem! Hoorah! But they don’t seem to know the words. Master of the Universe Director Rosie isn’t satisfied. Again! Again!
Someone shouts a “fairy” related slur and a riot breaks out. Master of the Universe Director Rosie is forced to step in.
They get it in the end. About ten minutes later. All march off stage triumphantly.
The Royal Family including Esme have gone to family therapy with Ivy F.
Pun crown goes to: “Hell hath no fury like a frog spawned”
They are going to have a trust circle, as if that will solve what is obviously some very serious emotional problems. The Charming children are not very aptly named.
MEANWHILE Terry and Carol go for dinner at the restaurant attached to Carol’s health food shop. They want steak and plump chicken breast. They don’t have that, so they have to have Granola. Small, medium or large?
Pun Crown goes to: “You should have a medium, because you can always tell what I’m thinking.”
It is very romantic.
MEANWHILE Sean and Winnie go to find Thomas because they are worried about him, but instead they find a pissed up Bill Ox. Bill Ox is very confused about his motivation and concerned about the use of bad language. He shouldn’t have told Lilliana to fuck off. They all have try to have a tentative hug. Instead, the audience (the inanimate junkyard of stuff) suggests Bill should dribble in Winnie’s hands. They don’t do it. Sean and Winnie ask for a task, hopefully heavily maths based.
“Long division, bitch!”
MEANWHILE Arthur has gone to see Oberon and Puck. He wants endorsement for the election in which he is the only person running. Arthur offers Oberon the chance to be King of the whole kingdom, over the human King, presumably as leverage. Arthur tells a harrowing tale about a cellar full of goats. To prove himself, Arthur must compete in a FAIRY DANCE OFF. Against HIMSELF.
“The winner will receive our favour, and the loser shall be put to death”
Oberon evokes the spirits to decide the winner. Farrage 2 wins!
MEANWHILE Fairy Jean (It’s definitely G but we’ve come too far now to change names around), Shaun Colt and Jimbo are in the barn. Jimbo and Shaun realise they are best friends. Jean makes them feel good, maybe they should be best friends as well with Jean? No. Instead, they decide the make her stay in the barn forever, and capture more!
MEANWHILE Hansel is working out what to do with Thomas. I don’t like the look of it all to be honest, that Hansel does some disturbing stuff with that lollipop. Hansel is going to educate Thomas on “naughtiness” through a song. He’s a shorts clad German with a lollipop, did I mention that? Thomas misses University and is starting to regret his Gap Year – we’ve all been there, Thomas.
“We’re just a pair of naughty guys”
MEANWHILE Lilliana goes to see Dusky. Dusky hasn’t noticed she has THE ORCHID yet. Lilliana needs somewhere to stay now Bill Ox has dumped her. She wants Dusky to teach her how to be a fully fledged fairy, and how to use those bones properly – Dusky agrees she can stay as long as she wants.
MEANWHILE Green Man and Titmouse are in the sewers in a scene that bares a striking resemblance to the popular TV Show Knightmare. Titmouse bumps into an out of work actor. They literally are just playing Knightmare and will be for about another five minutes I imagine. I’ve never seen Knightmare.
MEANWHILE Terry is planning his movie adaptation of his Sci Fi novel, along with Jack Frost. They are rehearsing with Pan’s People. You know, off of Top of the Pops in the olden days. Pan’s People are not very co-operative but they do lovely tree impressions. They ❤ Chiffon. Pirouette! Lunge!
Pun crown goes to: “They should Chiff-off”
MEANWHILE Arthur wants Teresa to be his campaign manager for his PM bid. She is dubious about his policies. He agrees she should turn the forest into a “fuck off motorway”, so they form a beautiful partnership. Obviously she needs maternity leave to pop out Oberon’s babies – so she takes on a low pressure job – Deputy Prime Minister. Her job is Graphic Design mainly – flyers, rosettes. Also a catchy song! Cue catchy song:
“ARTHUR NIGELLE FARRAGE UH HUH”
Arthur does a cheeky box step.
MEANWHILE Bill Ox has a raging hangover. Shaun the Faun is trying to play Charades with him, rather unsuccessfully. Bill would rather stay drunk, and is feeling a little bleak. Winnie and Shaun try and cheer him up with the story of a boy cut in half, with his intestines hanging out. Shaun told him a joke, his intestines fell completely out and he died. I don’t know about you but I feel cheerier. Shaun and Winnie have organized the dump into useful sections, which Bill appreciates, despite his women problems. Bill tells the story of the first day he met Lilliana. He claims that her eyes were the biggest things he’d ever seen. This really really really cracked me up and I had to take a moment out.
MEANWHILE The Charming Siblings, Incredibly, Ribbit and Esme are hanging out together. Incredibly is very grumpy and has broken into song. It’s all come back to those Daddy issues again. He’s being sowing his seed all over the shop apparently. But Ribbit has an idea. They should take over the human kingdom for themselves! They will split the land into three Kingdoms between the Charming siblings and it shall be called…
“This Charming Land”
MEANWHILE Back to The Sewers, which still look a lot like the TV Show Knightmare. I still haven’t ever seen Knightmare, so I can’t really tell. It’s the 80s I think. Someone played the music from Countdown and cracked out a smoke machine, it was brilliant.
MEANWHILE All the fairies go to hang out in the barn with Shaun Colt and Jimbo. The boys are paying everyone too many compliments and offer round the Bombay Mix. I think Shaun and Jimbo both fancy Jean.
“Your eyes glisten like two champagne corks… that have been spray painted… silver”
They remember it’s supposed to be a trap and pull a gun on the fairies, trapping them in the barn.
MEANWHILE Terry and Carol are on a romantic gondola ride. The river is rolling along and it’s bloody marvelous and a bit rowdy.
“The river is much like your face, it is very busy”
MEANWHILE King Mum has gone to consult the magic mirror.
MEANWHILE Jack Frost is running a Canadian theme night down at The Wizard’s Sleeve. They all sing “The Canadian National Anthem”. Jack Frost explains about “Snow Shoe-in”.
“Let’s move to Canada!”
23:00 – 01:00
Recap: Dusky is now living with Lilliana. Rev. Tommy and The Green Man are now both in The Crystal Maze. Winnie and Shaun Faun are still street, and want to help you with your problemz. They can finish each others sentences… sentences. Hansel has leveled up, and is still dragging Thomas around. Terry and Carol are experimenting with something unrepeatable. Apple and Bee are afraid of extinction. Bill is still clutching that weird bone and a gun. Lillina still has the bones in her bra and totally trusts Lilliana. Shaun Colt, Jimbo and Fairy G (though I call her Jean) are still in the barn, flirting awkwardly. Ivy F is turning over a new leaf as a family councillor and leaves evil behind. Teresa is going to be a mother and also support Arthur’s campaign for PM. Jack Frost is confused by the aggressiveness of the fairy kingdom. Incredibly and Ribbit Charming are bickering. King Human Great has gone power mad with the audience and has resolved his family issues… or so he thinks! King Mum has covered herself in sequins and is doing a tango. Oberon and Puck say peace be with you and don’t you forget it!
Dennis Boggins – He’s been down the mine with some hobbits.
Buskin the Magic Cobbler – He’s shot a pixie and a giant and he has a tiny wooden foot with him.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Rev. Tommy Titmouse and the Green Man are STILL playing Knightmare. I prefer the Crystal Maze. An actor guides Tommy through the maze as the audience sing the theme from Indiana Jones. We’ve got 23 hours left of this.
“This is highly irregular”
TIME FREEZE: World’s have been wrenched apart, and you won’t find out what happens until NEXT YEAR! I hope you’re all making notes.
MEANWHILE Prince Charming and Ribbit are meeting with Teresa, but Prince is more interested in chatting her up. They talk about overthrowing the King, both literally and figuratively. Teresa suggests a legitimate political campaign. Ribbit reckons they could just kill Grandma and Daddy.
Pun crown goes to: “Have you got this cough?” “It’s like you’ve got a frog in your throat”
What do they have to offer Teresa? Sex? A selection of scarves? A fertile, environmentally friendly frog vagina?
MEANWHILE Winnie and Shaun take Bill to the Cobbler to get some new shoes – or rather, to get shod, as he has hooves. The Cobbler once made shoes out of actually shit for an ogre. The shoe shop is full of shoes. Blue shoes, green shoes, shoes with laces, shoes with hook eyes, shoes, shoes, shoes. The Cobbler is feeling Bill’s in-step. Shaun is rapping about flossing your feet. It really cheers Bill up.
MEANWHILE Oberon and Puck have summoned Dusky. She brings Lilliana with her. Oberon is searching for the orchid. Did I mention Lilliana has THE ORCHID? I, along with Oberon, had completely forgotten that Lilliana is his daughter. He has dramatically remembered and demands to be given THE ORCHID. Oberon offers Dusky anything she wishes as a reward for bringing his daughter. She wants? A Vagina!
MEANWHILE In the Hobbit mine with Dennis, the King is being shown around. He wants some new jewels because his crown is “a bit shit”. The mine has some stuff from Mine Craft in it, it also has the rare metal Sellanononoid. Dennis only has one piece, but the King wants it for his new crown.
MEANWHILE Thomas is a little ill, so Hansel takes him to the health food shop. Thomas has three arse cheeks now apparently – the middle one is his favourite. Hansel casts a spell on Bee. He orders him to collect all the medicine he can carry to keep his army of almost undead alive. Apple and Hansel have a meta conversation about the actors. Apple stands up to Hansel but he hypnotizes Apple with the lollipop.
MEANWHILE King Mum has found the barn with Shaun Colt, Jimbo and Jean in it (yes, I know she’s not called Jean). She has brought a pocket magic mirror with her. He opens the door for her, which is impressive for a person without any arms. King Mum has transformed into Ninja Nan and her zimmer frame is frankly a genuine safety hazard. Slow motion fighting ensues. Jean claims she loves both Shaun and Jimbo. They want to be married together, all three of them. Ninja Nan apologies and offers to have babies for them, which is a thing that seems to happen a lot in fairy tale land.
MEANWHILE Terry has fallen behind on the novel. Jack goes round to check on it’s progress. Terry “reads” out the next chapter. Chapter 5. Barry has been thrown into a Warren. He is cold and lonely, his arms are fixed but his heart is broken, because he left behind wife in space. Barry writes a poem. Chapter 6 is entitled What Are The Rabbits Doing? They Are At It?
MEANWHILE Ivy F finds Thomas wandering the glade, unable to remember where he has been. They seem to bond. Ivy feels completely safe with him. Dennis turns up wanting to know where Thomas has been. Thomas is Dennis’ nephew and he should have been digging down the mines, not on a Gap Year! Where are Thomas been? He’s being doing lots of cool things – he doesn’t want to work in the mines, because it’s shit and horrible. Dennis has his listening ears on. Thomas wants to be a travel writer! Ivy isn’t sure that’s a viable career. Thomas invites Dennis to come travelling with him. Can Dennis take a day off? He’ll use the money he makes from the King’s solololonononiod crown.
MEANWHILE The Cobbler is surrounded by flying shoes. Rev. Tommy has wandered in on him, as he is sat in the church. The Cobbler has some enchanted shoes – centaur moccasins made of unicorn fur and other such beautiful things. The Cobbler doesn’t know much about God, but he doesn’t trust a man that wears sandals. The shoes are doing a sort of little dance.
Pun crown goes to: “Shoes are better than people, they’ve got actual soles”
MEANWHILE Ribbit is in the Green Man’s garden, although he hasn’t noticed yet. She is embracing her frogness. Green Man notices her and tries to chat her up. He likes her skin that can literally breathe. They sit on a giant toadstool together, and a mysterious voice starts talking to Ribbit – she is having a flashback to that love spell, all those episodes ago. Green Man has a frog shaped hole in his heart – he confesses his love. They are a frog and a log.
She “doesn’t want to end up barking up the wrong tree”.
Teresa pops up to remind Ribbit that her eggs belong to her! Ribbit runs off screaming she is unlovable which is heartbreaking.
MEANWHILE Ivy F tries to work out how she is going to impregnate King Mum with Shaun, Jimbo and Jean’s child. King Mum is well over a hundred. Ivy F is going to listen to her womb. It is filled with beasties and crows and monkeys and a little man. It is a jungle womb. They sing a lullaby to the womb to exorcise it. King Mum’s tubes have been cleaned right through. All the fairies without vaginas have a cry because they just want to have babies. They decide to share the two man and have a baby each – somehow.
MEANWHILE Oberon’s Palace. Lilliana seem to have made it up with Bill, over the bone phone. Oberon still wants THE ORCHID. Puck says it can be used as a surrogate vagina, which is handy as all these fairies are smooth all the way round. Oberon summons Bill and the couple are reunited. Bill is happy because he has super cool shoes. Bill is no fool and knows the power of THE ORCHID but at the last moment, Dusky snatches it out of his hand!
MEANWHILE Hansel is training Bee and Apple to do naughty squats. Apple is really aroused, and that’s confusing for everyone.
MEANWHILE Jack Frost has gone to visit Winnie and Shaun in their tree house. They know you have to pursue your dreams. Shaun sometimes picks up the table and runs and pretends he is a centaur too. He does this now and it’s adorable. Winnie wants to know what’s going to happen when Shaun dies. Shaun lives until he is 16, but wait… he only has a year left!
Pun crown goes to: Writing sums in ice “I always knew maths was cool”.
Jack Frost is going to try and freeze Shaun’s heart to stop his aging process. There is a good chance this will kill him.
MEANWHILE Terry and Carol are going on a trip home to Newcastle (of fairy land) to try and rekindle the romance. They met all sorts of classic Geordie characters – Terry’s brother who only speaks “Tees”, a woman who ran over a child, an angry Sunderland man and a massive hologram of Kevin Keegan. That’s a footballer. Terry and Carol remember climbing the Angel of the North. This inspired them to live in fairyland, even though Terry hates fairies. There has been a small problem with the lighting board, so Terry and Carol will now sing a song.
It’s Sunday now, by the way.
01:00 – 03:00
Recap: We are all very, very tired. Dusky has THE ORCHID and is using it as a vagina. The Green Man nearly found love but she ran away, he is also entering a vegetable growing competition. Winnie and Shaun have a new friend, Tarquin. Hansel, Apple and Bee are eating Scotch Eggs and are planning on cursing the King’s crown, and poisoning the royal feast with poison apples. Thomas Baggins and his uncle Dennis Boggins who are going traveling. Carol and Terry are very much in love, and nothing can possibly go wrong. Bill Ox and Lilliana are back together and are making out again. Jimbo, Shaun Colt and Fairy G / Jean are going on a first date, post-fertility clinic, as is traditional. Teresa has fingers in all the pies – she is baring a child, helping Arthur become PM and helping with a Charming overthrow by breeding a half frog from Rebecca’s eggs. Arthur has been MP for Ormskirk so knows his stuff. Jack Frost is eating a Scotch Egg for the very first time ever.
“Fuck that’s good!”
Prince Charming loves the ladies and isn’t that into the world domination thing. Ribbit is really lonely and sad. All be up standing for King Great, who doesn’t like the sound of this election he’s been hearing so much about. King Mum is having a baby for the Jim-Shaun-G triangle. She sings a song about her ovaries. Buskin the Magic Cobbler thinks shoes are better than people. Oberon and Puck are feeling mischievous and seem set to nick some plots off Mister Shakespeare.
Tarquin the Badger Exchange Student – all the way from South London with his fancy words.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Winnie, Shaun and Jack are thinking about freezing his heart to stop him aging, up in the tree house, when Tarquin the exchange student badger turns up. He explains the public school system. They all decide to push Shaun’s imminent death to one side and follow Tarquin’s dreams. Then they are distracted by Winnie’s vagina. Tarquin’s dream is to collect vaginas in a basket, or find vaginas. Something about vaginas. Maybe vaginas will mend Shaun’s heart. His suggestion, not mine.
MEANWHILE King Great has summoned Arthur to court. He isn’t happy about the elections. Arthur explains that the King is drastically dropping in popularity. Arthur is about to say that they might as well not have an election and just give him the job of PM, when dun dun dunnnnn The Green Man runs in and decides to run against Arthur! Green Man explains to the King that he will still be King, but the PM does all the work, and the King seems to like this idea.
MEANWHILE Thomas and Dennis go to The Cobbler. Even though Hobbits don’t hold with shoes. He agrees to make them some. A shoe flies through the air towards the Hobbit. He has a knack. He also has a hammer. Dennis puts on a pair of shoes that have come flying towards him. They seem to have given him some kind of magical power.
MEANWHILE The Axemans are at home. Puck turns up and sends them to sleep. He is going to cause some mischief – he will make Carol fall in love with Apple and Terry fall in love with Hansel with his magical fairy powers / magic elixir that comes from a massive poppy. The sleeping couples wake up on the sofa together – all four of them.
MEANWHILE Teresa Grey is checking in with Ribbit and Charming – Ribbit is broken hearted. Ribbit thinks we should learn to happy with ourselves, whether we are green or not green. Everyone has massive Daddy issues, even Teresa. Maybe we should all open our hearts, not our wombs. Ribbit seems to be trying to set Teresa up with Charming. Oberon turns up – Ribbit’s wish has been fulfilled, because she has found a friend within herself! Hoorah! She’s going to be woman!
MEANWHILE Jimbo, G and Shaun Colt are on their first date at The Oyster’s Pearl. An interpretive dance happens based on Sci Fi. Jimbo just want to be with G, alone, with no taco carrying clams. I think G would rather be with Shaun. Taco taco! Taco taco! Taco taco!
MEANWHILE With Apple and Hansel off cuddling the Axemans, Bee is left alone to explore the forces of darkness. He finds himself in Dusky’s garden with a host of horrible plants. Dusky becomes submerged in horrible plant creatures for a while. Bee wants to join in, so he does.
MEANWHILE Bill is trying to find common ground with Oberon, his girlfriend Lilliana’s dad. They explain that Lilliana stumbled through his dump. Oberon bless the marriage. They will be married this weekend! That is the way of the fairies not to wait for proposals. Lilliana is sick of this patriarchy! But also she wants a white wedding and Bill has no choice in the matter. Bill must change his name to John, for that is the way of the fairies. Bill wins Pun Crown with a joke about Kim Jon Ill and gets the crown for a bit. He rather likes it. Hansel turns up questioning why he is in love with Terry – he blames Oberon and wants it sorting.
MEANWHILE Hundreds of years old King Mum is pregnant with twins. Are the twins boys, girls or fairy creatures? King Mum breaks the pregnancy news to King Great. He is concerned about the effect of male heirs on the line of succession. King Great promises not to “pull a Herod”. King Great misses the old days before politicians and potential magical siblings. RIBBIT turns up but NO. It is REBECCA. She is a REAL WOMAN now. Oooooo. She no longer has a green vagina, but instead she has one with the family crest on it. “Doesn’t everyone?”
MEANWHILE The Axemans, Hansel and Apple have gone on a double date to The Wizard’s Sleeve. Apple and Carol are making out. Hansel is licking a lolly and Terry is curious about that. Everyone has started groping each other, expect Terry who is a bit left out. They all are pressured into playing spin the bottle, with musical shots. Hansel suggests they do a runner because he is seriously naughty. They all run away without paying.
MEANWHILE Shaun and Winnie take Tarquin on a tour of fairyland. The kingdom is full of amazing things and they have a little train to travel by. Choo Choo. They see: the big tree, the wishing well, a cavern full of lost vaginas that never was, taco taco, the garden of darkness, the garden of green (very different), the stairway of a thousand knives and… a very dangerous secret place… the castle of forgotten children! The exchange rate (see above) went a bit wrong and children are the fairy currency. Inflation happened, the children got siphoned off into this castle. Makes sense. When the children are 18 they lose any worth, get kicked out of the castle and get really angry in the surrounding area. Shaun and Winnie try to stay positive by ignoring all the horrible things. They inherited the castle by they are bad in the good sense and the children respected them. One of the children jumps from a tower and dies.
MEANWHILE Dusky and Bee are at home, when Jack Frost comes knocking. He hasn’t slipped off the sofa. Dusky is chatting up Jack Frost with her “Bermuda Triangle”. Bee seems to have developed a pollen habit. Dusky is being a bit graphic with her new “Bermuda Triangle”. She wants to be “Special Friends” with Jack Frost.
MEANWHILE Buskin the Cobbler, The Hobbits, Jimbo and The Green Man are in the pub playing a game of “Ian McKellen Jumps the Rainbow.” Rules unintelligible.
MEANWHILE By the River Nymph, Shaun Colt and G are walking in the moonlight. They chat about the mermaids. Shaun has something to say – he loves G, but misses Jimbo and feels like he’s stabbed him in the back by taking G away from him. They miss being a threesome.
Recap: Shaun and Winnie have pan pipes. Hansel has lost his lollypop. Apple has gained glasses and is eating a hairy apple. Terry is now all alone and hates the monarchy. Dusky is… trying to bang Jack Frost? Did bang Jack Frost? The mime was unclear. Bee is addicted to dark pollen and feels like a wasp now. Dennis’ nephew got pissed and had to go home. Bill and Lilliana are still together. G and Shaun Colt are a twosome now but are off to find Jimbo. James Terry Michael himself has gained two parrots named Lady Betrayel and Shaun C*nt and is going back to detective-ing. Teresa is considering using Charming as Pawn in her evil plan. Jack Frost is confused by vaginas and has some questions. Charming siblings are both completely human now, Rebecca has taken on Charming’s 80s style and they are going to be dandy highmen. King Mum and Ivy F are planning the Royal births. Buskin is planning a trip to a magical land of leather. Oberon and Puck are chatting in Shakespearian type language. I think that might actually have been a genuine speech. Colour me impressed.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Rebecca Charming is throwing an 80s dance party to celebrate becoming a woman. Prince C. is helping. Everyone is dancing and singing to Adam Ant although the don’t seem to know the words. Also, girls just want to have fun. What’s it like to be a woman, the crowd asks? Rebecca thinks it’s not quite what she expected. She feels “Not green. Not me”. The kingdom want Rebecca to be Queen because she’s “the friggin best”. Emotional rendition of Girls Just Want to Have Fun. The King arrives and kills the mood. Prince Charming still has serious Daddy issues still. The charming siblings are on a rickety table and are having trouble climbing down. The King encourages Rebecca to show ’em how it’s done.
MEANWHILE Shaun and Winnie has taken Tarquin to the park to show him their Parkour skills. Parkour in Park. Winnie finds it rather tricky with her four legs. They do a crime reenactment where a molester cannot do Parkour. But there is something Shaun and Winnie aren’t telling the truth about. It’s all gotten a bit confusing but I think Tarquin is trying to set Shaun and Winnie up.
“Imagine if we could Parkour each others brains into each others brains”
MEANWHILE Terry is holding an anti-monarchy rally from the balcony. Someone points out how much King Great looks like the King in Flash Gordon and the live blogging / tweeting lose the plot for a few minutes. Terry is now reading from his Sci Fi novel again.
MEANWHILE Lilliana and Bill have asked Jack Frost to plan their wedding in the interest of International Relations. Oberon is over seeing the whole thing. The couple want a “Frozen” theme, which is why they came to Jack. They want a wedding based on Olaf according to Oberon. The couple reckons it should be a wedding based on equality. That’s fine because Oberon isn’t a man – he’s all the genders at once. Lil is still sick of patriarchy. Bill wants eagles at the wedding. An eagle-itarian. HAR HA. Luckily they breed eagles in Kazimieria and they can kill and eat them whenever they want. They leave Jack in charge of preparations. Lil wants Edward Scissorhands, an ice sculpture and fancy dogs. These are entirely necessary for a fairy wedding.
MEANWHILE The traditional 3.51 singing of the Fairy Land national anthem.
MEANWHILE Sean Colt and Fairy G have gone to Jimbo’s house to smooth things over. Jimbo is crying his eyes out. They bring him a wishing well as a present. He doesn’t seem to like it and threatens them with his gun. They all slide off the slidey couch. Jimbo is talking about how he has always been rejected – even in his mother’s womb, with the cave paintings. The three have a deep meaningful chat about how love is like a Wishing Well and a bit of a sing. They seem to have all made up.
MEANWHILE Teresa has gone to visit Buskin’s World of Magical Leather. He has a cupboard full of fresh carcasses – such as the Bratislavan Pelican Hair. Very durable. Teresa wants a paint of shoes to attract Prince Charming. A colourful pair. Made of birds of paradise perhaps? Yes, she wants bird skin shoes.
MEANWHILE Puck is planning the entertainment for the wedding. He is holding auditions. The cast are auditioning, kind of. It’s very late / early. Bee has a flaming hula hoop. Buskin is hammering a hankerchief for some reason. Winnie and Shaun do “Parkour of the Mind”.
“Fire, the Bee’s natural enemy”
MEANWHILE Big Bee, Dusky, Apple and Hansel are talking about dark magic. They have a tea bag. Big Bee is on a evil pollen comedown. He has lost all his positivity. Bee doesn’t need anybody – apparently he can do magic. He runs away to be alone. Hansel comes back into the room in a full ballgown.
MEANWHILE King Mum has an appointment with Ivy F. Something evil is in King Mum’s womb. It is a horrible beast that can only be enticed out with fruit. Apple comes to help with the fruit emergency. She will go inside of King Mum and lure the beast out. She likes a challenge. She was in there for a while. King Mum has birthed the beast and he is trying to eat Apple. He is chasing her around The Kazimier but she is rescued by a passing fruit salesman. There will be no baby for Ivy F.
MEANWHILE Dennis Boggins is running a high energy Hobbit Dance Class.
MEANWHILE King Great has a new crown ready for him. Hansel is wearing a dress and plans to control the King through the crown. Dennis has made the crown from Sononononian and Gaffer Tape. Hansel is really enjoying his dress. The King tries on the crown. The crown seems to be having a weird effect on him – he is “perfectly fine”. Has Hansel controlled him? It is unclear but that crown is some bad joo joo. Maybe the plot will be found again at some point. Maybe not this episode.
MEANWHILE Everyone plays D & D with ordinary jobs. Remember that? A postman and an accountant. Real World Larping.
MEANWHILE The Charming siblings have staged a coo and are holding the King at gun point! And in an appalling turn of events, King Great, punches out Rebecca Charming!
Recap: Winnie and Shaun are awake. Tarquin is questioning. Hansel is in a dress. Apple went inside the Queen’s vagina. Bee like physics. Terry has lost his shirt and is good at axing. Dusky is frustrated. Bill and Lily are getting married, but they fancy a trip to Ibiza. Jimbo is ploughing through. Sean Colt and G are still together and happy. Are they still friends with Jimbo? Who knows. Teresa wanted a motorway a while ago and has great shoes. Jack Frost is Canadian. Everyone is laying down as low as they can for the Royal Family. Prince Charming and Rebecca Charming are holding King Great up at gun point. King Mum is a slut. Buskin makes shoes. Dennis is an inspirational speaker. Green Man is back, and his legs have turned to wood – he will soon be ready to spread his seed pods around the forest. Oberon and Puck are doing lo-fives.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
The Green Man is running the pub quiz at The Wizard’s Sleeve. Terry wins the Well based raffle. The Crunchy Muffkins win the pub quiz and a holiday to Jamaica!
MEANWHILE In the mime mine beneath the palace, the Charmings are holding the King captive. They don’t seem to know what to do with him now. Prince Charming just wants a hug. The King seems willing. Is it time for a song in the dungeon of mime? Seems so. The chorus goes “Forgiveness or a gun”. Charming and King Great have a big old hug and forgive each other.
MEANWHILE King Mum has been left in charge of fairyland. She can see stormy weather through the eyes of Fairy G. There is a storm coming, but she is determined that “it will not touch her”. She sings about it and undresses – turns out the end of the sentence was “except for where I want it to”. She calls an army of fairies – they must bond the Kingdom’s make together. Fairy G turns up and claims King Mum is actually Jesus / A Fairy Goddess and / or The Devil. She’s Queen of the Fairies. All hail the Fairy Queen!
MEANWHILE Teresa has decided to teach everyone to Lindy Hop.
MEANWHILE Jimbo goes to see Dennis for some Life Coaching. He has been rejected by every women he has ever met. Why is this? Is it because he’s a dick? He does some self-affirmations. He tells Dennis of his dream to have his own Funhouse. He also loves the aquarium. He visualizes these things to make himself feel better, but a shark comes and ruins it. What else can he visualise in vivid detail? It’s a bit like Quidditch, but instead of competing it’s loving. He pretends to be a horny man, and that seems to help.
MEANWHILE Bill and Lill are in Ibiza! Everyone is very familiar and yet different. Bill wishes he’d had a cup of tea and an early night, but this party is going on for another 17 hours! Every gets messed up on coke.
MEANWHILE Apple and Rebecca are being Mel and Sue off of the Bake Off. Hansel has baked a cake, and Mel or Sue poke his fruit. Bee has baked a cake in celebration of the show 24. In causes people to whisper in an aggressive and hoarse manner. Dusky has done something totally different – she has been preparing for life, cue extended metaphor with butter and flour and things. Rebecca and Dusky discuss Vegan cooking.
“It curdles when you least expect it. Just like life.”
MEANWHILE Oberon’s Queen has apparently been stuck in a mirror and has now been released (I thought she was bones in Lily’s bra). Puck is concerned the Queen will try and separate him and the King. She will be livid if she finds out that King Oberon has fathered another woman’s child, so they must hide Lil and Bil away, who are soon to be married. The Queen Titania turns up – ominously. This will probably be important later. [edit: The Fairy Queen must be King Mum. NB: TITANIA IS KING MUM]
MEANWHILE Tarquin stops by G’s cottage and catches her with her wings off. They go to sit by the Grecian Urn and contemplate the meaning of life. G reckons Badger thinks too much and is hiding “his snout under a bushel”. Badger is going to go out into the world and do whatever he wants!
MEANWHILE Teresa has taken Winnie and Shaun to the fairyland art gallery – where there literally hundreds of different pictures including: a bull and some dead bees, a man drinking a cup of ladies brains, something with “bare / bear boobs”. Teresa has an ulterior motive for the trip – she wants them to teach her how to do 80s dance, because they are hip and happenin kidz. In the style of Madonna, 80s dancing is mainly falling down stairs. Very safely.
MEANWHILE Jack Frost has gone to see The Cobbler. With a dead baby seals pelt that he clubbed to death with hockey sticks. Canadians are monstrous. The Cobbler will make shoes out of it.
MEANWHILE King Great and Rebecca have reemerged, feeling that something has happened. The Fairy Hunters have also turned up at the castle to find out what’s going on. Oberon and Titania are overseeing the events from their palace balcony. King and Rebecca haven’t seen the Queen in a while and lord knows where Charming has gotten to. The royals confront the fairy hunters. Oberon watch over the chaos. Titania is disappointed that is took him so long to rescue her. She will take over command of the Kingdom. Downstairs, Jimbo is reading Rebecca’s tea leafs – she has the Grim. Titania is annoyed that mortals are using such magical powers. Oberon defend the alliance. Rebecca is resigned to the fact she is alone – Jimbo feels the same way. Perhaps they should get together on the spot. They go for a big hug. Good choice. Oberon must prove the alliance to be a success to convince Titania.
07:00 – 09:00
Recap: Shaun has wandered off, so Winnie is completely alone. Tarquin reminds us to all to play hard. Hansel is still wearing a dress, he’s found his lolly though. Apple has joined a band. A live Improvathon band to be precise. The band is named Quim Shiver. Also in the band are Terry, Lilly and Jimbo. Dusky hasn’t released her fully potential yet. Bill has been stopped by customs on the way back from Ibiza for having heroin in his bag. Shaun is still on the trail of fairies. G found a Griffin in the break. Teresa loves motorways AND dancing shoes. Jack Frost doesn’t know what quim means. Rebecca Charming reckons Prince Charming has a shot at true love with Teresa. King Great is no longer the King, and has been mainly laying about on sofas. Buskin had a blister once. The Green Man is growing more like a tree – he has now grown horns. There has been a huge shift in the fairy world, mainly affecting Oberon and Puck. They are afraid of Titania.
“Once the moon looked at her funny, and so she smashed it to pieces”
Peter Griffin – Not that one. Peter the Griffin. Loves chaos, madness and suspense.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
The Charming family are trying to work out what to do about “Nanny”. Prince Charming is being non-committal. King Great has gone back to bed. The siblings decide, in perfect sync, to talk to Oberon.
MEANWHILE The Green Man goes to The Cobblers to buy some high tops. He wants them to be made of something really unique. Something last of the species. Golden Griffin for example? The Cobbler will make a deal, but he is already indebted to a mysterious “other deity”. Perhaps we know this mysterious person?
MEANWHILE G and Shaun Colt are chatting when Peter the Griffin comes in. G and Griffin have a bit of a past. Griffin is shocked to discover G and Shaun are involved – he reckons her lack of lady parts will become a problem in the end, and that inter species relationship will never work. Griffin hates Fairy Hunters – his whole family was killed by family Hunters named Colt – but they couldn’t possibly be related, right? G finds a Bounty Bar in the Wishing Well.
MEANWHILE The Charmings and Puck have gone to see Oberon – he says King Mum isn’t the same person as Titiana, neither is she dead. She is trapped in the mirror. They discover potentially major plot points. Who had access to confectionary to put Bounties on fairies heads way back long ago? Hansel who was trapped in the candy house! King Mum trapped Titania in the mirror, because she was a powerful wizard, meaning that the Charming siblings are also part wizard! They may have powers! Granny kept her powers in her magic zimmer frame.
Emergency Call – Everyone fucking loves Rosie, the all powerful voice of God!! We really do, she is impressive in a myriad of ways.
MEANWHILE Apple wants to explore her dark side, so goes to see Dusky. She feeds her a poisoned apple that isn’t really poisoned. Dusky is going to teach Apple the ways of evil. I think this has happened already, but I can’t be sure.
MEANWHILE Titania has summoned the fairy kingdom to her. She has decided that the human and fairy worlds must collide, because she now knows the power of the vagina. G is worried that an alliance will cause the fairy blood and culture to be polluted and cross breeding will happen (which is ironic, seeing as her boyfriend is a human man). Titiana says she is just trying to lure the humans in so they are under her control.
MEANWHILE Jack Frost is talking to King Great about giant flowers and English traditions. The King is enjoying losing power. There is an election coming up, remember? Perhaps the King will run. Jack Frost would vote for him, but he has Canadian citizenship. Will he forsake his beloved country to help the King?
MEANWHILE Tarquin is in the tree house, but he is packed up to leave. Winnie comes to say goodbye. Tarquin tells Winnie to live in the moment and get off with her betrothed (Shaun). I mean he doesn’t say it in those words. Tarquin takes off his face to leave a piece of himself with her, which sounds disgusting and creepy, but it’s actually sort of touching. He warns her not to freeze Shaun’s heart because he loves her, even though he hasn’t told her.
MEANWHILE Hansel goes to talk to Titania. It’s implied she is the wicked witch that imprisoned him and may also be responsible for the Bounties.
*I doze off momentarily*
I wake up and Hansel kisses Titania. Seriously, what is going on? I feel like it was important.
MEANWHILE Terry and Lily are missing Bill. So they eat some olives and Shreddies. Terry has lost his wife, and his ring, so that means he’s allowed to move on, right? A French sounding “lawyer” confirms this is all legit. Terry tries to chat up Lily but she is having none of it. Luckily a flyer appears for speed dating.
MEANWHILE Teresa has finally agreed to go on a date with Charming. In a New Romantics bar. Rebecca turns up to give Charming whispered advice from behind the sofa. Oberon is whispering advice to Teresa to make amends for not impregnating her, back when that was a thing, a million hours ago. Charming gives Teresa a scarf. They put their hands all over each other in a kind of touchy rhythm. Prince Charming and Teresa do a bit of dancing, they make a lovely couple.
MEANWHILE G and Dusty are having their twice monthly cup of tea. Does this mean it’s about two weeks since yesterday afternoon? Dusty realises THE ORCHID is her vagina, which I thought we knew? Anyhow, there’s a lovely little song about mojos.
MEANWHILE Some people play a game called Orson Welles baits The Badger. Hopefully it’s not Tarquin.
Recap: Shaun and Winnie have been reunited. Apple is looking for Bee. Terry is officially single because he lost his wife a few shifts back. Dusky has been chatting to G, and she realised her vagina was THE ORCHID. Lilliana and Bill Ox have been reunited. G just proposed to Shaun Colt, in the bluntest way possible. Teresa is still trying to seduce Charming for power, and she’s developed a bit of thing for scarves. Jack Frost and Puck talk about hockey. Puck is horrified as the treatment of “Pucks” in the game. Rebecca Charming is happy for Prince Charming getting with Teresa. Big Bee returns.
Pun crown goes to: He had slipped into a “honey coma”.
Hansel has been snogging Titania, and has returned in a red silk devil costume. King Great is no longer king, and is having fun. This is demonstrated by the feather boa. Arthur is currently the only person running for Prime Minister – he also seems to have killed some prostitutes. Dennis has been down the mine, but he’s back and he has a parable about moles and fires. Esme is back, and she is now Queen of her own principality. Buskin used to be a normal cobbler, but he got some magical powers off a mysterious figure. What must he give in return? Peter the Griffin is the only Griffin left in the forest but he’s still looking for love. Jimbo has joined a band called Quim Shiver. Oberon has been usurped as most powerful being – he insists we much hide every child! (Problematic with Children’s Hour just around the corner) She must also not find out about Bill and Lily’s wedding – which is today! Tatiana is an all powerful being.
Gretel – Yes, that’s right, Hansel’s sister. She’s looking for her Hansel back.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Arthur is discussing politics with Great, Puck and Oberon – who insists we are on the edge of an apocalypse. Tatiana “the mother” has returned and she will take her children back to be prominent in this land. It’s all very mysterious. Puck reckons Arthur should go and talk to her about it, as MP for the local area, as a blatant distraction, as they tell him to his face.
“What a fucking idiot”
MEANWHILE Jimbo and Terry are in the pub and Terry thinks it’ll all be okay. There is absolutely no peril. Wait! I have a problem! A crime has been commited. Jimbo and Terry team up to solve an unknown crime.
MEANWHILE Prince Charming and Teresa appear to have just slept together. Charming is spread out on the sofa looking like he’s fallen out of a window and Teresa is hovering around looking a bit sick. Teresa is pushing for an official arrangement to gain power but Charming is reluctant to commit. He than proceeds to be properly Charming for the first time all day. Now he’s singing a song about being a Prince, and he suggests they come to some sort of body / power exchange deal. (Less charming). They agree to overthrow Rebecca together.
MEANWHILE Dusky gives Apple her first botany lesson. They find Bee hidden in the garden. Dusky asks for Bees help in finding the Black Orchid. Which is different from the Silver Orchard between her legs. They realise that the one who holds the Silver Orchard holds all the power.
MEANWHILE Winnie and Shaun are orienteering in the forest when they come across a clearly distressed Gretel. She is a little girl. Winnie assures her than she won’t “rip out her spleen”. Which is comforting. Gretel strokes Winnie, which is proven to relax people. It works! Gretel tells her story – the witch in the Candy House tried to eat her – you know the story. Her brother promised to come back for her, but he never did. Wait! Winnie and Shaun met a boy called Hansel! They will take her to him, but she has to be careful!
MEANWHILE Rebecca is waiting to meet a Queen from another principality. She doesn’t no yet, that it’s Esme! They meet and I realise that Esme hasn’t seen Rebecca since the curse was lifted. Esme is shocked and sad that their shared wish didn’t come true for both of them. She has an adoring public, but is so lonely when she’s at home. Rebecca’s curse was lifted when she become true friends with Incredibly. Maybe Esme’s curse can be lifted through the same method! They must find a common ground to bond over. Scarves! They both own scarves. Prince Charming bloody loves a scarf.
MEANWHILE Bill and Lil are planning their wedding with Jack Frost. Lil wants to be walked down the aisle by her mum’s little bones. In order from the marriage to be valid, the Silver Orchid must be present. Them’s the rules, because all these people are obsessed by orchids.
MEANWHILE Tatiana decides her shoes are not powerful enough and therefore goes to see Buskin. A flying pair of sparkly shoes arrive. But wait! He’s met these feet before. She wants the shoes free of charge. Almost as if he owes her a debt! Remember that mysterious shoe debter. Turns out the shoemaker promised her the souls of every soul who ever wore his soles! GASP. Almost all of the kingdom’s souls belong to Tatiana!
Pun crown goes to “An army of foot soldiers!”
MEANWHILE Dennis is giving tours of the mime mine. G and Shaun (Shaun the Fairy Hunter, not Shaun the Faun) are on a date there. Shaun asks her to move in with him.
MEANWHILE Peter the Griffin, Hansel and Dennis are discussing the strange happenings. Gretel finds them and is not happy that Hansel has turned evil, nor that he left her in the candy house.
MEANWHILE Arthur has gone to talk to Titania. He thinks maybe they could come together as a team – but she hypnotizes him into helping her on her way to power.
MEANWHILE Lily is having a massive hen do, where everyone has put aside their differences. It is a surprise party, so all the ladies hide. There is a cake in the shape of a table to represent the stability of the marriage, made out of apples. She wishes on the candles that nothing will go wrong before the wedding, but says it out loud, and we all know what that means! Someone else steals the wish. When Lily is busy chatting, Apple steals the Silver Orchid. I forget what she needs it for.
MEANWHILE Farrage tries to convince most everyone that Titania is a friend – but he has been hypnotized. They cast their own spell on his to tell the truth. Arthur admits that she is evil, and also that she drank his sperm (I deliberately blocked that bit out). Oberon explains this means she will soon be with child. Many many children.
CHILDREN’S HOUR – ALL BETS ARE OFF
W is for Winnie the Wonderful Centaur and Shaun Vaughn the Fantastic Faun, who love to look for learning.
A is for Apple, who loves healthy eating.
B is for Buskin the Magic Cobbler, who loves to make shoes for all his friends.
P is for Peter the Griffin, who loves to make friends.
D is for Dusky the Darkness Gatherer, who is going to tell on someone who stole her flower. She’s a naughty fairy.
L is for Lilliana and B is for Bill the Ox, who are in love even though they are very different.
S is for Shaun and G is for Fairy G, who are also in love even though they are very different.
J is for Jack Frost, nipping at your toes, all the way from Canada. That’s a very long way away.
H is for Hansel and G is for Gretel. They are brother and sister and they are lost in the forest.
G is for Green Man, who is a magical gardener.
A is for Arthur Farrage, a local MP. An MP is a nice man who makes sure the trains are on time.
D is for Dennis, and he is a hairy Hobbit.
B is for Bee, a magic Bee, Little Bee says Be nice, Be good and Be Jolly.
B is for the Big Bad Wolf.
C is for Charming – Prince Charming, Rebecca Charming and their really good friend Teresa. They love to dance!
F is for Fairy – King Oberon and his assistant Puck. He’s the King of the Castle, and you’re a dirty rascal!
T is for Titania, Queen of the Fairies, with all the magic in the world in his fingers.
G is for Great, King Great is a little Grumpy.
Paloma Grape and Pixie Snott are problem solving wizards!
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Winnie and Shaun come to Apple’s little shop,
But they have no teeth left to chew and chop,
They eat a chocolate bar with every meal,
Never an orange have they learnt to peel.
Apple knows you have to eat five portions of fruit a day,
Eat grapes, bananas, pineapples or strawber-rays.Sweet potato, carrot, kumat or cherries,
Make you very very merr-ys.
(featuring George, who slew a dragon in #umbridge2014 if we remember rightly, and is a legend in these parts).
The Green man in his garden,
grows exploding apples, musical oranges,They sing when they are eaten,
The rain and sun shines on the oranges (nothing rhymes with orange).
P-H-O-T-O-S-Y-N-T-H-E-S-I-S. A funky song about Photosynthesis.
(Pun crown goes to audience: He’s a spelling Bee!)
Paloma and Pixie visit Gran,
But Gran looks a little wolfish, man.
He’s sad because he isn’t scary,
He’s more like a friendly fairy.
Wolfy thinks he needs some meat,
But legumes he can eat.
Wolfy just needs to feel a little good,
So that he can make friends in the wood.
Wolf just wants to kill some time,
He’ll show us with a little mime.
Wolf’s fur is lovely and soft,
And people want to stroke him oft’
He loves his mum as we should,
He’s the nicest wolf in the wood.
Prince Charming and Teresa are having a dance.
Join in if you get the chance!
The King hates the noise of songs,
But we all want to dance along!
The king is a right old grumpy guts
If you don’t like dancing, I think you’re nuts!
Try your best and you can’t fail,
It’s boss, it’s great, it’s off the chail-n. Cha-il-N. Chain.
Hansel and Gretel they need new clogs,
They’re tripping over all the logs,
The Cobbler knows just what they need,
Shoes that are fit for a noble stead.
A good shoe is like a foot cuddle,
Protecting you from all the puddles.
Shoes, Cobbler says, grow on trees,
This shocked me right down to my knees,
The shoes they are completely free range,
I’m sure that you don’t find this strange.
Some of the shoes are deep in a trench,
Then Cobblers make them more on his bench.
… with a hammer.
Jack and Peter are from so far away,
But far away they did not stay,
Canadians do not like to shout,
Griffin doesn’t know what that’s about.
His family are exuberant,
Full of beans and of excitement.
Canadians play hockey on ice,
They really think it’s rather nice.
The use some skates and a puck,
Now there’s a game that doesn’t suck!
Canadians always say they’re sorry,
to Griffins, humans, even lorries!
Puck and Oberon play their games,
Oberon pretends he is a plane(s).
There’s been an Elf and Safety check,
In case of someone breaking neck (that rhyme was stolen).
Learning how to tie our laces,So that we can win at races.
A rabbit and a piece of grass,
Over, under he did pass.
A mime to show the story told,
Learning fun for young and old.
They need some balls to play
Juggling is fun all of the day.
We need some willing volunteers,
Come on kids, have no fear!
Play the game of teamy run run,
where you walk and find and never run. (run).
Everybody wins! Hoorah!
Bill and Lilliana’s Wedding Day has arrived. They are holding BIG party for all of their bestest friends. Bill is going to teach everyone a lovely lovely dance. Hoorah!
13:00 – 15:00
Recap: God knows, there’s no brain space left. You should know it all by now.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Apple is trying to poison Lily and Bill with poison apples, because it is the destiny of her forefathers.
Pun Crown goes to “Four fathers? Didn’t you have any mothers?”
MEANWHILE Terry and Peter are trying to solve a crime – the case of missing Jimbo, looking for traces of a struggle. They run into “Grandma”, who is obviously a wolf. An altercation occurs.
MEANWHILE The war council is meeting to discuss the number of troops they have to fight Titania. Incredibly offers to go and fight Titania in a swashbuckling sword fight, with the help of his sister and Puck – Teresa, who seems to be pretty into Charming at this point turns up with lots of scarves.
MEANWHILE Dusky and Bee go to see Titania. Dusky wants to fight for Titania – Bee has to pick a side. Bee is on the side that Dusky is on – I’m not too sure why. Dusky’s Silver Orchid aka vagina has been stolen by Lily. Titania thinks this is hilarious “Oberon doesn’t have a daughter!” Titania has discovered than Oberon cheated on her and has a love child and is livid. Oh no!
MEANWHILE Winnie and Shaun just want to spread a bit of peace and love. But Shaun is imminently going to die! They continue to ignore this fact and decide to give out presents to all the forest creatures – like butterflies and other cheap things.
MEANWHILE The Green Man and The Cobbler have a clandestine meeting about the war. They are aligned to Tatiana and will have the help of all the people bewitched by occult shoes.
MEANWHILE Hansel and Gretel and Jack Frost are talking about cultural issues, as is Jack’s wont to do. They chat about Batman. Jack asks them to do the entertainment for the big wedding and in exchange the H & G want him to go on a quest to the lost baby castle, because babies are currency after all.
MEANWHILE Terry has a flesh wound from his fight with the wolf. Shaun and G try to save him – whilst Shaun is trying to stem the bleeding, G breaks up with Shaun. They flashback to their best bits of the show.
MEANWHILE Charming siblings and Teresa are in a place very like The Crystal Maze, but not The Crystal Maze. They have to wake up a sleeping Magic Mirror through a task of some kind. The mirror has King Mum trapped in it. They want her Zimmer Frame is so they can vanish evil with it – it is magical and powerful. But she has lost it! Where can it be? Perhaps at the Old People’s Home?
MEANWHILE War council meeting at Tatiana’s house – they need the silver orchid from Lily! They will all crash the wedding, steal the flower and have a punch up at the reception.
MEANWHILE Peter the Griffin has given up crime fighting – he’s got a job doing catering for the wedding. He is practicing on Apple.
*Excuse me dear reader, I collapsed for a moment there. But I’m back, and I will blog better than I have ever blogged before. Huzzah!*
15:00 – 17:00
Recap: Winnie, Shaun and Fairy G are adventurers and they are trying to pick a side in this war breaking out. They pick the middle – the side of love! Apple and Peter having started a catering company for the big wedding. Lil and Bil are likely to die at the wedding (what did I miss??). Dusky and Bee are on the side of the evil Queen. Shaun Colt has lost his girlfriend but his hatred for everything magical is spurring him on. Terry has been mauled by a wolf, and Jimbo wasn’t missing after all, he was watching the Liverpool match! Jack Frost, Hansel and Gretel are on a quest to the castle of the rotten children. The Green Man is aligned to Titania and we’re still not sure why. Esme is still Queen of her own principality, and she still wants to lift the curse. Rebecca and Prince Charming are on a quest to get the Zimmer Frame shaped magic staff, along with Teresa. King Great has partnered up with Oberon to fight the Fairy Queen. Buskin has aligned himself with darkness because of a deal with some souls and soles – does he have a conscience? Wait and see. Oberon and Puck are just a bit cool. Tatiana has escaped from the magic mirror to cause chaos and anarchy.
Whispy Neil the Messenger – he only turns up with it’s about to kick off.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Shaun, Winnie and G have gone to see Esme because they want her to lead them as a third party in the middle of the Royal Humans and the Fairy Queen. A third party built on “aggressive peace”. She has a big ear to listen to their woes and a hunch of taking the burden. Faults seen as virtues. They are forming a circle of peace.
MEANWHILE Apple and Peter are using Whispy Neil to send their party invites. They are making a list of invitees, including Winnie, Shaun, Esmeralda, Jack, Bee, G and the shoemaker if he agrees to not be evil.
MEANWHILE Prince Charming, Rebecca and Teressa need to get the magical Zimmer Frame to defeat the Fairy Queen. It’s in the old folks home, which resembles The Crystal Maze. They do some of sort of complex Crystal Maze-y task. There’s a spoon and a turbine. They get the Zimmer Frame but then it all becomes a little confused.
MEANWHILE Jimbo has been watching the football, and all that time Shaun and Terry had been searching for him. But Terry has found him now, and they are going to fight some crime. Terry hears that a new group is forming – not fairy, not human. Maybe they should go and see what this third party has got to say (the peace and love party with esme, winnie, shaun, g etc.). Terry just wants to find some friends so that he never has to be alone again. Jimbo is crawling around like a snake but I’m not sure why. Apple stops by to invite them to the party.
MEANWHILE Bill has still not had a Stag Do. All the lads gather and Gretel comes too – she is one of the lads but is also the stripper. She is stripping out of her German traditional costume and there is nothing any of us can do to stop it.
“What happens in the Wizard’s Sleeve, stays in the Wizard’s Sleeve”
MEANWHILE Lily has a hen party. Gretel arrives late – she went to the wrong venue and you’ll never guess what they got her doing… then Buskin turns up and does a Sexy Cobbler strip tease.
MEANWHILE Big Bee is lacklustrely buzzing around the Dark garden. The Whisp brings him a message from Apple – she is having a party and he is invited. He must make a big decision – who to take as his plus on? But bigger than that – he has decided to let the plants keep pollinating themselves.
MEANWHILE King Great needs shoes, so goes to visit The Sexy Cobbler, sorry, Buskin. The King wants a shoe with velcro that looks like an elephant. Buskin offers the King his special soled shoes. Don’t do it King, those are the ones that sell your soul to the Fairy Queen! The King offers Buskin protection in exchange for shoes? Allegiance? Uncertain.
MEANWHILE Jack Frost, Hansel and Gretel have gone to the lost children castle, which is strikingly similar to a Scooby Doo house. It is very haunted. Everyone runs up and down stairs a whole bunch. God stops the scene to give direction and Gretel has lost her motivation. They are trying to find children to use as money to pay Hansel and Gretel for providing the entertainment at Bill and Lil’s wedding. Jack offers the siblings the entire haunted house as payment instead. But the propriety legally belongs to the winner of a dance off. Oberon turns up, and they offer to lend him money for some reason. Oberon has the key to the basement – Oberon claims you could destroy the entire Kingdom with it. Legally, they really need to have a dance off to decide who owns the house. Oberon leaves the apocalyptic key behind and warns them of being careful not to destroy the world. Gretel is unhappy and has a bit of a tantrum. Jack offers to take the siblings to Apple’s party. Maybe they can take the scary key to Apple as a gift, therefore negating any responsibility. That all makes no sense, right?
MEANWHILE Lily and Bill are saying goodbye to each other before the wedding. Lily has an imminent fear of death. They feel really happy and really lucky to have met each other.
MEANWHILE Green Man is growing his War Garden. Shaun Colt is there to talk to him, and he claims the war will never happen. He is looking for some specialist herbs, to allow him to see fairy kind and create a lovely drink. The Magic Tea Bags perhaps? In exchange Shaun offers Green Man real power over his domain.
MEANWHILE Dusky and Titania talk about the difficulties of being a powerful woman. And indeed what makes someone female if the have a smooth space down there.
MEANWHILE Puck and Oberon share a quiet moment as they know things are ending in some way. They remember planting an acorn tree. Puck is giving a very genuine an very meaningful speech about simpler times. Oberon proclaims that Puck is a great deal more than a messenger to him, and there is a chance they will both lose in battle… they try to focus on the possibility of winning. They are to fight tonight and one of them may not return. Puck refuses to leave Oberon’s side. They decide to play teamy teamy run run one final time.
MEANWHILE Apple and Peter’s party is jumping with people. Apple wants to move forward as a kind of party collective in a protective force of friendship. Esme uses this as a chance to stand as leader for the third party of peace and love. Esme makes an inspirational speech and unites them all together, because we are all the same on the inside, with hearts and intestines. Shun weapons and magic and find love! She walks hand in hand with Gandhi and Martin Luther King. Turns out the fairy human divide is a metaphor for apartheid. The Bee remembers his three Bs. Be good, be positive, be jolly! We are together. The room rises as one and links hands to sing the Kazimieria National Anthem.
MEANWHILE Charming has the Zimmer Frame but Rebecca is trapped in the Crystal Maze! The only way to get her out is to trade her for Teresa and sacrifice Teresa to the Maze. Who will Charming save? Charming promises that if Teresa sacrifices herself, he’ll come back and save her when this is all over. He leaves his favourite cape as insurance. Rebecca escape and Charming siblings are touchingly reunited.
17:00 – 19:00
Recap: Winnie and Shaun and G are into aggressive non violence. Apple and Peter have made a “Sorry Straudel” to apologise for not inviting Hansel and Gretel to the party. Big Bee has made himself good. Shaun Colt is derisive. Jimbo and Terry are now detectives. Jack Frost samples UK confectionery. Hansel and Gretel are forbidden to use the key that causes the Apocalypse. The Green Man knows War is upon us. Esme says this is a time of war. Or is it? Prince Charming and Rebecca or Be or Ribbit Charming are ready for war. Teresa Grey is stuck in the Aztec Zone of The Crystal Maze with Charming’s cloak. King Great is fighting to win – if they lose, they lose everything. Buskin the Sexy Cobbler has found out about the third party Peace Camp – this gives him so many more options to best work the war to his advantage. Oberon thinks we will all burn, he thinks, or maybe… he’s become confused but he’ll fetch his sword. Puck is definitely okay and did not fall over. Titania and Dusky have new tit guns. Arthur Farrage knows the time is now.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Lilliana and Bill Ox’s Wedding is beginning. Oberon officiates. He insists Bill’s name is John, but relents. Vows are exchanged. But then Titania, Dusky and The Green Man suddenly appear and tie everyone up with vines! Titiana is not happy with the illegitimate daughter situation at all. Oberon suddenly claims that Bill is his son, which is pretty disturbing for everyone.
“Over my dead body” Says Titiana.
Conveniently, the Charming’s turn up with the magic Zimmer Frame to kill the Queen. Everyone in full slow motion battle stations. Lily has the Silver Orchid. She tries to stab Titiana through the heart, but that will kill King Mum too! Rebecca tries to stop Lily, but it is too late. Titiana and King Mum are dead. Shaun turns up pissed and blames G for everything. I am Sparta situation arises. “No, Kill Me!”. Shaun claims all the magic is dead. But there is still the magic inside of us all in the form of love. Oberon is also dead – the Queen of the Fairies is dead and so all magic is dying. [Also, I realise later, Shaun the Fairy Hunter shoots him] Jack Frost is melting. G and Puck seem to be fine, potentially because they are corporeal, not from the mirror world. Bill and Lily are going to resurrect Oberon and kill themselves. It is universally agreed that this makes no sense. Esme takes on a leadership role and suggests they just get married. Lily realizes that she is now the Queen, as Oberon is dead. The Orchid has the power to resurrect just one fairy. But which one? G, Jack Frost or Oberon? Jack Frost is really melting fast so everyone scoops him into Ice Cube trays. Everyone falls asleep under fairy dust. They use The Orchid to resurrect Oberon. He tells Lily she has a human mother. His time is brief. He dies. Everyone goes to put Jack in the Deep Freeze. Bill still professes his love for Lily, even if they have to wait for another day. Cue romantic monologue. The accept each other as they are. King Mum seems to have popped back to life. Perhaps she was merely out cold?
THEN Esme holds a meeting of the Third Party. They need to come up with a better plan because so far it has been a shambles and loads of people have died. The plan is to break the mirror – hopefully they will all be safe because they are corporeal and not of the mirror world. But The Cobbler knows he has sold some of their souls with their soles to the Queen. Will this cause problems? The group put his on the truth naughty step to find out. Instead of smashing the mirror, they are going to paint the mirror black and hide it down the Wishing Well.
THEN Charming Siblings have proved themselves rash and unfit to rule, what with all the guns and death and Granny only just being alive. King Great is livid at the disrespect. King Mum comes in to mediate, and gets all of them to shake hands – she can’t understand why they are all bickering.
MEANWHILE Fairy G has managed to get Jack Frost to the Deep Freeze, just long enough for him to say Goodbye. Jack Frost has really made a difference to Kazimieria, teaching them all about Canadian culture. He is melting, but there’s still time for a musical number:
“Let it flow! Let it flow! I will puddle out of the door!”
Will he promise to evaporate and turn into cloud and rain on us now and again? He melts right away.
MEANWHILE Teresa is still stuck in The Crystal Maze. Will anyone come back for her? What’s this? Athur Farrage has turned up! He is on the hunt for voters and spots an opportunity! He will let her out of the quickly-filling-up-with-water Maze in exchange for a vote. In fact, at one point she was supposed to be running his campaign, at some point yesterday I think. She agrees to do that again and they skip off together.
MEANWHILE Winnie and Shaun are in the tree house. They are having a picnic. It is his 16th birthday, and in an hour or two he will be dead, because they have spent the last day totally ignoring the problem. Soon his spleen will collapse. No faun has ever lived longer than exactly 16 years. He hopes he goes to The Great Rumpus in The Sky and not Catholicism, because animals don’t have souls, so he would only be half a ghost. They drink juice fruit and have character themed sandwiches: A Classic New Yorker – because of his sense of adventure and his taste for pickles. The second sandwich is leaves from the forest to reflect freedom and youth. She also has gone him a stick she found on the ground. He really loves it. The final sandwich is Strawberry Jam with Ants. He loves ants because they are his friends. It represents friendship, love and the difficult choices we all have to make in life. Shaun will always be with Winnie metaphorically – in the wind and the rustling and goats. Winnie is going to go to where the goats live to be nearer to his spirit.
MEANWHILE Jimbo, Shaun Colt and Terry are talking about detecting. They are called Shaun a twat for his actions at the Wedding. They discover that fairy hunters are only licensed to kill Fairies if they fill out forms in advance. Did he do this?!
MEANWHILE The Green Man and Dusky discuss the events of the wedding. It didn’t exactly go to plan. They feel that they should perhaps repent and apologies for what happened. Green Man might have to go to Canada to apologise to Jack’s family – but at least he can take some good seeds. Dusky will cross pollinate her dark garden with flowers. She also will make shadow puppets.
“We’ll make it better! Or we’ll die trying”
They go to apologize to Puck.
MEANWHILE Bee and Apple are reunited – he has come back from the edge of his terrible pollen addiction. Apple starts singing Coldplay in honour of her father Chris Martin. She teaches the song to Bee. They remember the aphrabet and incorporate it into the song.
“You were my favourite bee, and you were all yellow”
MEANWHILE Lily and Bill are trying to send out save the date invites for their rescheduled wedding with Whispy Neil. They discuss the wedding, which was obviously horrendous. Her wedding dress still has a bit of Oberon’s blood on it. Can he guess the date with magic, because they aren’t sure yet when all this mess will be sorted. Whispy Neil is being a little unreliable, so the couple discuss using Puck instead, right in front of his face. They summon Puck, but get his voicemail message – he has gone far, far, far away.
MEANWHILE The Cobbler comes to see King Great – he lets the King know about Esme’s plot to liberate the mirror and vandalize it. The King think this sounds alright, but The Cobbler reckons another evil spirit might be released if the glass is broken – or so he says? Protect the mirror at all costs – perhaps he himself can become the custodian, due to his vested interest vis a vis soul gathering debt with the Queen. They strike a kind of shaky alliance based on mirrors and money.
MEANWHILE Hansel and Gretel are with Peter the Griffin. Gretel and Peter reckon the Wedding was alright really – it was efficient, and German’s love that. Hansel is upset that Oberon was shot. Gretel sing a German song to cheer him up.
“Uber-dong, Uber-dong” to be sung to the tune of Edelweiss. (Oberon, probably).
19:00 – 21:00
Recap: Winnie and Shaun are still hoping that Shaun might survive his sixteenth Birthday. G misses Jack Frost and wonders about an audience members knitting. Apple and Bee are on their way to the castle to steal the magic mirror. Is Shaun Colt a fairy hunter or a murder? It all comes down to the paperwork. Jimbo and Terry are policemen. Lily and Bill are still waiting for a wedding. Lily is now the Fairy Queen. Hansel and Gretel are having the best time ever. Green Man and Dusky are sorry for what they have done. Green Man personally killed Jack Frost and Dusky kicked it all off. Whispy has an obituary to deliver. Esme wants peace but that’s not going so well – she the aggressive pacifist are off to destroy the mirror. Prince Charming and Be Charming remember that Teresa is still imprisoned… or so they think. Teresa and Arthur Farrage are going to build that bloody MOTORWAY. King Great doesn’t miss the Kingship. King Mum is back, but King Great believes that the mirror must remain intact for her to remain safe. Sexy magic Cobbler Buskin has convinced him of this. This is very much to his advantage. He will have an army of foot soldiers and take over the land. Peter just wants everyone to accept themselves. Puck is pretty upset that Oberon is dead.
Bunny – Warren Ambassador has to go and pay his respects to Oberon and Jack Frost.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
The Funeral of Oberon. Everyone is in attendance. Lily is giving an emotional speech. As is customary in the Fairy tradition, a representative of each world will come forward and give their speech. King Great wishes they had more in common. The Green Man regrets his part in Oberon’s death and lies down eternal roses. Bee recognises that Oberon is inside each of us, like pollen on the breeze. Hansel and Esme speak. All rise for the National Anthem. We are strong and we get along. They all leave Lily to say goodbye, and she too leaves. Puck emerges and says his own goodbyes to the Fairy King.
“My love I can’t stay dead at thee. Teamy Teamy Run Run?”
Oberon chases Puck away.
THEN Arthur and Teresa are having a blue sky thinking meeting about the new motorway. The motorway they met up to talk about about 31 hours ago. They have three tasks… Make all the people want a motorway. Find people to build a motorway. Build a motorway.
MEANWHILE Princess Esme and the aggressive pacifist have arrived at The Castle to smash the mirror but meet with fierce opposition from the Royal Family and Buskin. They claim they just want to look at the mirror. Be is angry about all the bickering. Why shouldn’t they just LOOK at the mirror? But Charming stops them. A fight breaks out…
MEANWHILE Jimbo and Terry are on a mission to catch a fugitive. They try to lure him in with a meat trap. The hairy clam is lured in. Taco Taco! Jimbo is really trying to ignore the hairy clam. Hansel is following breadcrumbs through the forest again. When their backs are turned, a cloaked figure swishes away with the meat.
MEANWHILE Green Man and Dusky have gone to pay their respects to Lilliana. Lily once asked Dusky for shelter, and now Dusky askes that she returns the favour with shelter in her heart. Dusky knows that darkness is not always the right path. Green Man explains that he did what he did because he thought it was right, but he was mistaken. He offers to do the flowers for her wedding almost free.
Pun crown goes to “I’ll need some seed money!”
Lily still has the bones of her dead mother in her bra – perhaps Dusky gone hold the bones and puppet them in the air to walk down the aisle, as though her mother was there with her (a bit).
MEANWHILE Hansel and Gretel have to decide what to do with the apocalypse causing key. Hansel thought he could make it on his own, but he needs his sister Gretel. Gretel loves him too. Hansel asks her to come with him as he escapes from fairy land, over the barbed wire fence. They should cast away the key. You should cast away the things you love, just like Mother and Father did to Hansel and Gretel. They drop the key into the Wishing Well of infinity.
MEANWHILE Shaun and Winnie are having a big day for his last day on earth. He plays the pan pipes and eats Ants on Ice Cream. They are going on the big wheel that goes taller than the tallest tree. He wants her to know with his final moments that there are other friends out there in the forest. Winnie believes positivity is possible when it’s two minutes to midnight and your friend is still alive. They really are the best of friends. Midnight. He is still alive! Oh, no, he’s died. Winnie offers to just sit there on the floor and wait 15 years until she dies. A fairy spirit comforts Winnie and the forest gives her his horns. It wants her to continue life as a centaur / faun. Bunny strolls along and gives her back Shaun’s pan pipes that he’s dropped. Bunny comforts her. Winnie plays a goodbye song on the pan pipes. The really helpful Bunny offers to help bury Shaun, but his lift to the Wild Rumpus in the Sky has arrived. I’ve got a lump in my throat the size of an apple.
MEANWHILE King Mum is starting to have flashbacks to her time as Titiana. She feels she is very special and should never take her lady parts for granted. You should never take anything for granted. She has crossed between worlds good and evil something was pulling her stronger – our bond with one another.
“Never underestimate the power of a woman”
MEANWHILE Shaun Colt is escaping when he bumps into Bill Ox. Shaun is the murderer of his father-in-law. Bill holds him up at gun point – an oddly common theme in Fairy Land. Bill is explaining Chaos Theory. Shaun is Bounty Hunter – who is he working for? Who arranged the Bounty on Oberon’s head. Shaun implies it was Lily. But we all remember it was Hansel, right? And who encouraged Hansel to become a naughty naughty boy? GASP Who brought the Silver Orchard into their lives? GASP. BILL OX HIMSELF!! Chaos Theory. One pebble causing ripples on the other side of the lake. Shaun is merely a pawn and the faun had literally nothing to do with it.
Shaun’s final words: “Well done on becoming the second most powerful person in the Kingdom”
Bill Ox shoots Shaun dead. Both the Shauns are now dead, so that’s that dealt with.
MEANWHILE Animals are having a drink in the animal bar. The Bunny feels underestimated. The Griffin kicks off a song. You need a little bit of human for them to take you seriously. Bee, Bunny, Griffin and Whispy are all joining in, and a weird spider head creature.
MEANWHILE The Charming’s visit Teresa to apologize about The Crystal Maze incident. But she is incredibly busy and important with Arthur. She tells Charming to fuck off, and explains to Be that she never wants to see Charming again. Be explains that Charming did go back, just after Arthur did, because Arthur comes to quickly. Teresa wants to know why Charming didn’t go in himself. Rebecca explains that the family had to stick together. They cover Arthur in a cape to stop him being distracting. Charming tries to put the horror of being “trapped in The Crystal Maze for a LITTLE WHILE” in perspective. Teresa cries at the memory of Richard O’Brien. They all claim to be stupid. Charming wants to make a go of it with Teresa, and leave Rebecca to be Queen. Teresa has some conditions: never to be trapped in The Crystal Maze again, to be able to be a career woman, and for him to stop being a dickhead.
21:00 – 22:35
THE FINAL CHAPTER of 2015 MINTUES
Recap: Winnie the Centaur is all alone with Shaun’s pan pipes. Fairy G has lost lovers and friends, but wants to end on a high. Apple Paltrow-Martin has a worm coming out of her. Big Bee is around to help. Jimbo and Terry have heard on the grapevine that the suspect is dead, so they are reforming the Quim Shiver band. Lily and Bill are still together but she doesn’t know that he’s the one responsible for her father’s murder, in the best plot twist of all time. Hansel and Gretel are returning the human world but there are secrets Gretel doesn’t know. Dusky has been wearing a corset for 32 hours and she’s going to be the one to guide the dead souls to the underworld, whilst Green Man turns the dead bodies into other trees. Esme is beautiful on the inside and she’s thrown a hammer at the magic mirror. Will the mirror crack? Will the curse be lifted? We’re about to find out! Prince Charming is dating Teresa and Rebecca Charming is pals. One man government Arthur Farrage loves to drink own semen – vote Arthur Nigelle! Be upstanding for King Great and King Mum have mixed feelings about the whole thing so far – they want to save the mirror. What happens if it smashes? No one remembers. Sexy magic Cobbler Buskin saw his hammer flying towards a mirror – if the mirror cracks, it takes away his immortal soul. Got that? Peter, Whispy and Bunny are creatures of the forest.
Once upon a time in a land of make ‘em ups…
Shaun the Faun is having a really sick time in the Wild Rumpus in the Sky. The forest works in mysterious ways – and will replace him with another faun friend for Winnie.
“When I say Rumpus, you all jump up and down!”
MEANWHILE The hammer tumbles slowly towards the mirror, and it smashes! What happens now?! Sexy Cobbler’s soul is stolen, he still seems to be alive though. Titiana owns it now. She seems to be possessed by the Cobbler now.
MEANWHILE It’s Lily and Billy’s wedding day! Again! The guests make nice stage pictures in honour of the “beautiful innocent couple”. Apple is going to officiate the wedding. They begin the vows. It works this time! The kiss the bride / husband. Winnie still has the mini rolls on her back – that is the buffet. A Disney choir turn up and sing A Whole New World. Hansel has caught the bouquet.
The real life band is epic by the way, and they really really are.
MEANWHILE Apple and Bee get ready for their next big adventure, but there is a worm inside Apple. It’s making her really ill. Bee is worried – should he call off the adventure? Wait a minute! Is this a death scene?! Apple sings Coldplay as she dies. Remember the 3 B’s Apple! She keeps singing Coldplay. Bee will have to find a new apple to go an adventures with. Wait! Apple feels much better now. She has remembered to Bee Strong! They sing Lady in Red and dance.
MEANWHILE Terry reads his final chapter of the Sci Fi novel he is writing. That was ages and ages ago. The final chapter is a letter from Barry’s wife saying thanks for being an astronaut, but she is probably dead. Barry floated in Space. The End.
MEANWHILE It is election day! Arthur vs. The Green Man. Vote Green! The characters have questions. Is he Farrage B or A? B. What’s in the folder? Some songs he’s been working on. Do we want to hear them? No, we shall have a dance off instead. Farrage likes a dance off. DANCE OFF. The town vote Coaltion government – The Green Semen Party!
MEANWHILE Winnie is in the tree house. And there’s a new faun-y friend. Bon Shaun Faun. He wants to be in her gang. So far, it’s just her, but lots of the animals want to join in. Show us how you walk like a Centaur! 1 Leg, 2 Leg, 3 Leg, 4 – remember this song?
MEANWHILE Hansel and Gretel are packing up to move to human land. Hansel is worried about the deposit. Gretel is not bothered and throws the furniture about. Hansel slaps Gretel which is a step too far. She wants to fight him, like when they were in the womb together. Hansel would rather marry the first spirit creature he comes across. Just at that moment, G wanders past, but Gretel insists on Hansel’s attention. Gretel wants him to be good at sports I think. She is on an Olympic team. Gretel wants to leave and play sports. Hansel now wants to stay in the forest. They will split.
“You will go with fairies, and I will go with men”.
MEANWHILE Fairy G and Dusky are having tea – they talk about being a women. Surely there is more to being a woman that having babies and vaginas? This show seems obsessed and Fairy G isn’t happy. Girls just want to have fun. Dusky has her Mojo back! Black Orchid! Black Orchid! It’s a greatest hits! They sing a duet.
MEANWHILE The creatures are holding a creature party! They do it every week. The good and evil tension has disappeared in the air. A change is afoot. Neil can smell new growth, blossoms and birdsong. Stalagmites sing a chorus. Griffin likes a nice fresh drink of water. They find a key in the well. OH NO. Not the apocalypse key! Thankfully they throw it away again. They literally just have a nice glass of water. But they feel a bit anti-social – why not invite all of the town for a party! (that seems a good way of ending a show!).
PARTY – Party singing. It’s great to be in the kingdom. I’ve had so much fun here!
Bunny has to go back to his Warren in Canada. Green Man has to tend his fields. Gran has ovaltine to drink. Griffin is left all alone. He talk to us about endings. Endings don’t have to be good or bad, just hope that when it ends, it’s alright!
Teresa, Charming and Rebecca remember their favourite moments. Charming and Rebecca squabble over the crown. King Great tells them to share. Rebecca has been through a bit and she has no one in the world as a companion. She wants to be good at exploring and finding things and feels she hasn’t been given a chance. They tell her she is a top Queen. Esme turns up – the curse didn’t lift. But Rebecca really does think she is beautiful. Esme just tried to be good. They give her the crown. Upstanding for the Queen Esme! Esmeralda, Esmeralda, ridicule is nothing to be scared of!!
Jimbo is getting the band back together. They are playing in The Wizard’s Sleeve. Quim Shiver! Big musical number, of course.
Lilliana, Green Man, Dusky and Esme have gathered to discuss the future of fairy land. Lilly knows they must unite as one to care for each and every subject. Green Man is newly elected PM has promises more green things growing. Dusky pledges to show people the light in darkness. Esme will show people that we are all living creatures on the inside. Puck turns up and robs some closing lines off Shakespeare, I’m pretty sure.
2015 minutes ENDS!!!!!!!!